Nastasia's Window to Rural Living

My mind is too busy - Midnight thoughts

2012-01-16T01:11:00.000-08:00

You ever see the time and say "Darn! already? I need to get to bed PRONTO! Maybe if I read this book (required reading for class) I will get so sleepy that going to sleep will be a breeze," only to have the exact opposite happen? Really? It never happened to you ever?? You are so LYING! lol
My book is Place and Community-Based Education in Schools by Gregory A. Smith and David Sobel.
Russian Mission has a great community based or place based system they have used for years so I thought I would say "oh yeah, I know..." and I admit I scanned some parts that seemed too... what is the word.... lets just leave it at "I skimmed over a few paragraphs" then got to underlining a few phrases. Then got to thinking over a few statements. Imagining the responses to some of the things I would have liked to say..... then I realized I was making myself all the more awake with all this thinking.
So I turned off the lights and kept thinking..tossed. Thought. Tossed. Thought.
I got so tired I decided this can become something worth talking over with some people.

So here goes:
My thinking process accelerated with the sentence "it is important to acknowledge that public education has from the beginning been more concerned about diminishing community ties than strengthening them." (31 Smith, Sobel) Instant flashback in fast-forward of the stories of boarding schools, punishments for speaking languages other than English... a kaleidoscope of comments about what kids are doing wrong in school, how they just 'don't care' about their education... the root of our problem with school today from low scores to low attendance.

Solution? Teachers - put your pride in your pocket and really see your students as children - human beings - feelings - emotions..... and expectations from others other than the school. No assumptions needed, wanted or otherwise. Learn more about the communities you are joining. (let me say that again - the community you are joining as a member) and let it not be only what they need to do for you.

I know. I opened a can of worms. Before all the snide remarks come flying let me ask. 1. Who actually knows the history of the community from a community member's viewpoint? I will take myself as an example. I can thank my teachers in elementary and high school for allowing elders into our classroom to tell us about starvation, famine, illnesses, family kinship ties and traditions and how that affected how the elders saw life and the importance of doing what is right as opposed to what is easy to do. That those factors instilled a sense of community such that when one member is lost the pain reverberates to the whole community. That grief is not something dealt in a day - so we take more than one day away to help console each other to deal with the loss. That is why the namesakes of the loved one is so closely tied to the family who has lost a loved one.

Even as we teach and even as the children are attending school they are a part of a larger world which in a lot of cases the teachers refuse to "see" they look, they judge, they critique... rarely do they live as a member of the community. Yet, they occupy such a large part of someone's child's day.

Happy New Year

2012-01-12T23:32:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!
I am back in Bethel after a short visit (freezing visit) to Russian Mission. On average it was -45 below. My son came back with me only to say he misses home. He left to his sisters this evening. I returned before our Russian Orthodox Christmas on January 7th and due to illness I pretty much missed the celebrations in Bethel.

School was due to start on the 9th, and it has been canceled this week due to frozen pipes. Yes it is that cold here.

My daughter Maxine got engaged over Christmas break. I do believe she is planning on a June wedding. She ALMOST tried February which would be not good. June is better. much. much. MUCH better.

I am taking deep breaths and getting my binders and ideas on paper/computer.

Ready

set

WAIT!!! (okay we cannot wait much longer... go ahead)

Here we go.... the first steps of 5 months of being bent into a formalized, certified...teacher.

Let it be official!

(wish me luck!!!)

Characteristics I see in my students are mirrored in my work

2011-10-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

I have "walked around the perimeters of my emotional room" today as I processed my emotional reactions of where I stand.
In the beginning I was hurt, emotional, and felt like giving up. I was trying to do what I could to make sure the progress in the classroom was lightened, focusing on the students and mentor teacher's duties. I would end up staying up at all hours of the night frantically trying to finish things at the last minute. Then when I do not get an acceptable grade I feel like crying.
My focus was not on the finish line, race, or children - the reasons why I chose to enter the internship.
The focus was on the paper before me.

It took a long time to come to the realization that if I step back and see the rules of the game, expectations and my performance it IS fair. I went as far as to write "You need to do it now. focus." on a post it.
It does not matter that my kids returned home. That is temporary.
It does not matter that my computer has crashed on me. That is not the only one available.
It does not matter that there are many details - I was told to be specific.
Just do it.
I had to remind myself that the instructors have the best interest of the children at heart.
I had to remind myself that I was provided ample time to do my assignments.
I had to remind myself that I am not alone in my struggles.

I am praying that my resolve will tide me to the end.

I have witnessed all these reactions in the classroom - I now know exactly how they feel.

I need to persevere to show them - no matter the obstacle, one must go on. My sleeves are pulled up.
Keep me in your prayers

My clock is on steroids!

2011-09-10T10:06:00.000-07:00

I used to think the time flew by fast earlier this summer but during school hours the time is seriously on overdrive! Yesterday after the students were dismissed for the day I sat in the classroom and thought to myself, "How can we as teachers cram all the knowledge we can into we weeks provided and still believe the kids 'get it?'" I look back and already three and a half weeks are gone. Wow. I think of all the things we did with the students so far, all the assignments I need to do and I am amazed at how it seems I went three whole weeks going from morning to night trying to get things done, knowing my time was short. Little did I know how short it was! Back to the grinding stone.

Getting to the nitty gritty of homework

2011-08-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

One of the realities of internship is the amount of initial homework one has. These assignments would be easy at home because I knew the inner workings of our school. I had worked at the data organization "department" for statistical data, administered the migrant ed paperwork, etc. During my first weeks at the Bethel school I focused on the new curriculum, the size of the school, the size of the population (you can put the population of my whole village in the school and have room to spare!!!!) Then the first assignment comes in and it asks for the statistical data, find the responsibilities of the school staff...

Well... I looked at the assignment and said okay...now that school has begun and my focus is with the kids in my class, and I have to be in the classroom during the times I am "In School" I need to find time to interview staff. If they were to ask me about the students in particular ( and I have a class assignment asking this) I can answer which students "got it," which students don't, and which students need serious help.

If I had this assignment given to me in the days of inservice I would have the time, and the staff would have the time also, to sit down and answer basic questions of introduction. Instead the orientation for mentors and interns occurred the evening before the first day of school for the students. We did not get the syllabi for the classes at this orientation, but each was available the night before the first day of each class. Suffice it to say I was a bit overwhelmed. I have this glitch in my system that I tend to feel overwhelmed until i get everything organized and see the big picture of what I need to do, how much time each assignment may take, and find a time pattern of duties before I get too far into an assignment. I finally got that done this week. Mainly because my last "first day of class" was on Friday. I got binders together and tabbed the reading for at least three segments, organized the files on the computer and I should be good to go. Wish me luck and please keep me in your prayers!!!

Storytown and Everyday Mathematics

2011-08-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am so relieved I attended the inservice for StoryTown. Districtwide we will be using these two books for reading/writing and math. I do not believe our instructors in the university internship program are aware of the curriculum requirements of the districts. We are to use StoryTown for 90 minutes each day. Each lesson plan included spans one week's worth of various assignments. I have been in class with students this week and have seen this at work. So far I love the "robust vocabulary" My mentor teacher has very effective methods to make sure the kids remember these words.

I greatly enjoy being in the classroom!

Wow I am starting my internship year

2011-08-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

The countdown has begun! I am presently sitting in an inservice at Gladys Jung Elementary. It is my third day and there is so much new technological usage that my mind is blown away with excitement! Smart boards, notebooks, ichat.... whew! I am so excited for this year! I still do not have my own apartment or house but I am enjoying my time in my parents home. I was so psyched about starting I arrived at 7:30 AM only to find that the kids start school at 8:30. There are 400+ teachers in the inservice and from what I have seen they are so awesome! There is a lot of things I am unfamiliar with but I will dive into them with great gusto!

SMILING!

Unofficial Daycare nights and weekends

2011-03-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to learn to tune out noise while doing my homework. We have kids around most of the time but lately I feel like there is a sign I cannot see that reads "Unofficial Daycare Center" on my door. Its usually my grandkids and once in a while my nephews. This can get tough when it comes time to finish assignments. Sometimes I think everyone else just don't care so much that they just "forget" I have classes that require a lot of reading and writing. Either that or its just more important for them to play ball, watch others play ball or go play bingo. I don't mind because they do ask before they go - its just that sometimes I feel that my studies are not considered important enough to give me time to do them in peace and quiet. I usually get them done once the kids are all asleep or before my son wakes up in the morning.

Anna "Arnallguuk" Evan ?? -3/1/2011

2011-03-02T02:07:00.000-08:00

In my lifetime I have only met a few elders who really treated me like one of their own. Anna Evan was one of those elders. Once I had children she would teasingly ask me to give them to her. She loved children. Being shy she never went to community gatherings, preferring to stay home but somehow she knew everyone and always asked about others, once kids were born she knew them by their namesakes. When she knew a lot of people were here from out of town she would let her family cook for them. This blog cannot give justice to the struggles she endured. She lost her husband, some of her children, grandchildren and was left to care for the kids even as she endured sickness. She is survived by her sister Natalia Alexie, brother Nick Asetekluk, children Joe Klukluk, Matrona Evan, Virginia Evan, Nastasia Kameroff, many grandchildren and great grandchildren.

Respected elder Craftswoman leaves our community

2011-02-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

Natalia Changsak, sister-in-law to my grandmother Marie, passed away in Anchorage, Alaska after a long suffering illness. Best known to all for her crafts making and teaching of those crafts. The body arrived this evening. I am grateful for all she has taught me. I have great memories of her and the other elders gathering each week to do crafts - anything from fur sewing, knitting, crocheting... those were great times.

Introducing my second grandchild Aaliyah Molly Stephanoff

2011-01-24T21:50:00.000-08:00

My eldest daughter delivered a healthy baby girl on December 26, 2010. 8 lbs, 10 ounces, 21 inches long. Charitina and her hubby Theodore Pete are so proud of her, as am I. Nicholas and Jordan have been full of questions and requests to hold the cutie. Amazing how time flies - I can still remember the days just before and during Charitina's birth and here she is holding her own baby girl.

A moment of reflection...

2010-11-12T23:43:00.000-08:00

I have not posted a blog in a long time...too busy and no internet at home for the longest time. During this time so much has happened ... stressful, sad, happy and many variations and combinations of each. The last time I posted my grandpa Peter "Papasneak" passed away on April 5th, 2010. On October 23, 2010 our "Big Ap'a" Alexander Isaac joined him and our family. It was sad to lose him but at the same time we were happy that he got to join his wife and all the other departed loved ones. We were blessed to have our grandfathers for as long as we did, and our gram for that matter.

Village news? The eels came and my brothers had a blast. I have not cooked eels since the last time my Ap'a asked me to cook for him.

Family news? My eldest daughter is due in December and my second born is due in May. My son and granddaughter are in their terrible twos - don't know who coined the second year of life terrible twos but that seems to be right on target with my son's behavior around the house. he is a cutie and his personality cracks us up a lot of the time but man can he make a mess!! Curious George ten times over!!!! all innocently done too!

School news? I had to postpone my internship year and may have to move in order for it to get done.... long long long sad story... I have enough saddness for this entry. Suffice it to say I am stalling out big time. I have even begun to think "what if I am not meant to be a teacher?" now THAT would be sad. Especially when I think of all the time I neglected my family and Ap'a because of homework. Made me cry and got me depressed for a while there when I couldn't do the internship here at Russian Mission. Gosh - here I go again... I will try to blog again when the waterworks calm down.

Seriously considering inventing ice gloves and socks for cooling off

2010-06-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

Fairbanks summer weather is usually the hottest weather in the state - and I am feeling it! OMG I am one hot eskimo! haha - not like OMG that woman is HOT - more like OMG that woman needs something fast or she is going to have a heat stroke! I know - some of you are thinking, "C'Mon! get real! Fairbanks is not too bad right now." I know - I am surviving. It just feels like I am a little out of my element and didn't bring too much "juss hut!" clothing to wear. (Two jeans???) lol

This was more to rant, I am not serious about the ice gloves and socks...or am I??
Enjoy the hot weather while you can - I know I will - when it get too hot I just picture how Fairbanks is during winter and think - this is not too bad. Not too bad at all

Trading some time with family to complete classes - tough.

2010-06-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

Unlike those in urban communities, when a distance ed student needs certain classes only offered on campus one must leave family behind and travel sometimes a great distance to complete the class. On Saturday June 13th I had to leave my children to attend a class in Fairbanks. I sure wish I could have brought them with me but the cost of travel within Alaska is almost two times more than one would pay to go out of state. The class is starting out very well, with 9 other students in a post-baccalarette program. I commend them for their stamina - they are doing a whole set of two week classes together. One of them has a 3 week old baby. My first day was okay, the second evening (yesterday) I was sighing and calling home. My daughter teased me asking if I was going to cry - I just responded YES! I miss you guys! Most of the people I knew when studying on campus are not here - it feels almost empty. There are a couple people here which is such a relief but - I miss my babies!

At Fairbanks for a meeting

2010-05-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

Alaska Native Teacher Preparation Project (ANTPP) is having a meeting here in Fairbanks so I get to travel.... I just wish I could have brought my family here. It is HOT out. 78 degrees yesterday. I met a lot of great people and I greatly enjoy the wonderful accommodations. Wonderful role models in long-time native teachers. Great times!!!

Where did SPRING go???

2010-05-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

Its so cold outside!!! snowing on May 1st?? OMG. It is cold and dreary and dismal outside yet my two-year-old boy makes a bee-line for the door every time I turn around. We went through an almost daily routine of changing his clothes an average of three times before he tired himself out enough to not want to run out as soon as his shoes came on. I am so ready for summer...just not all too thrilled about the bugs that comes with it.

Peter Nick "Ap'a Papasneak" 7-4-1918 to 4-5-2010

2010-04-15T00:21:00.000-07:00

My Ap'a Peter passed away during our Bright Monday, the day after Easter, at the YKHC hospital with family surrounding him. It has been a very busy week and a half... The things that comfort me is that he has had ALL his prayers answered. 1. He had a long life 2. He was surrounded by family 3. he did not leave us suddenly as he feared he would and 4. he passed away during a time we hold sacred - our Easter season. We miss him greatly, yet I am at peace knowing he no longer hurts, is no longer sick...or lonesome, hungry or sad. May he rest in peace and his memory be eternal. I love you very much Ap'a, thank you for being such a big part of my life, and showing me by your example how to be a true human being.

A personal awakening

2009-11-21T15:45:00.001-08:00

Sometimes in life one realizes issues in one's behavior that cause a great mental review of actions and, for me a "darn-it!!....okay I admit it. I need a change of priorities." I got to talk to a great, wise woman today in what started out as a would-be-very-brief apology for missing a memorial feed. Bottom line, I finally admitted to the fact that I feared hurting too much during the time we will eventually have to say our final goodbyes to my grandfather, so I tried to distance myself from him... I know. It is wrong, and in a big way unplanned, unintended, I just continued to use other things in my life as excuses to delay visiting, even when my conscience reminded me I didn't listen. When I finally went to see him I noticed he lost a lot of weight and family members said he sleeps most of the time. I cried a lot, but luckily he stayed asleep long enough for me to get ahold of my tears. One thing that was said to me today was "You're young its okay if you fall apart, you will recover. Your Ap'a is old and he needs his family with him during this time. Someone needs to be the one to get the family together during this time because it is a tough time. Its okay to get mad, sad, just as long as you be together with him you will not regret it. If you do fall apart afterwards, you have a big family that together will make it." I am so grateful for her advice and prayers. Thank you Bunny, you are a great role model and a wonderful mentor!

The Eels are close - maybe they will get some here this year

2009-11-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

The annual Eel harvest is similar to the annual smelt harvesting in the Kuskokwim area: both happen within a few days once a year, both have the people buzzing with each other over where they are and when to expect them, but that is where it ends. Smelts are small fish, eels or lamphreys are well....eels. Smelts come in the spring right when the ice leaves the river and eels come in the fall after the first ice floats down the river. Smelts are on the Kuskokwim and eels travel up the Yukon.

There are many ways to cook eels. Some people bake them, some make eel soup. I have never quite gotten my mouth and stomach used of the taste of eels.

Grandpa may not make it to 92

2009-09-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

This fall has been plagued by sickness here and in the region. I am thankfully recovering from a positive strep sore throat infection thanks to the wonderful, yet very prickly penicillin shot. The day before I had it I was shivering in bed so badly in the morning that I made a nice cozy fire in the stove and had everyone complaining about the heat as I bundled up yet another blanket and fell into deep sleep. It took a few days but my body and mind recovered - I really should say is recovering. Sadly I am not the worse case scenario in the family. My grandpa has not been feeling well, his heart is weakening. My extended family is here, well most of them to give comfort and support to him in this difficult time, of which I am thankful he is able to receive. One thing he told me recently was that he worried that he would "leave you in a bum way." He meant dying suddenly, without being able to say goodbye and have everyone emotionally ready for his departing this life. The old folks interpretations of good or bad always leave me pondering about life in so many ways. I am thankful his wishes have come true, he has had a long life with a large family. Not many people can say "My grandfather has lived to know my granddaughter." Still, it will be hard to see him leave. I pray that he finds peace in knowing we love him and will support each other to continue on our own journey with him near because he will always be close to our hearts. I have posted a picture of him with most of my father's lineage. I don't think we would have a way to get everyone included if we were all here. We would have needed a panoramic photo taken. Only in my dreams would that be possible... Still I want more with those we have here today, but I will not put my grandpa through that on account of his condition. Some things are just not meant to be I guess.

Heading to get some black and reds before hitting the books

2009-08-31T18:48:00.000-07:00

The weather was not all that great but we had little time awailable to enjoy the out doors before their work and my homework and babysitting so we went upriver to check for berries. Our blueberries are scarce this year but raspberries and black and reds are plentiful. I have two classes to complete this semester. My daughter is attending HS so I am watching the two babies also. Tough with little ones but well worth it. GOd willing we will both successfully balance school and kids.

My 2009 berry picking tale

2009-07-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

Most of my berry picking adventures deal with animals, specifically bears but nature trumped the animals this year. I was able to join my parents, brother Herman and sister Olga on a camping trip across Napakiak this year. First picture a 16 foot lund boat filled beyond capacity with camping and picking gear. To lighten the load we used their dome tent but still the poor 40 HP motor was pushed to the limit with all of us and a trip that would normally take about an hour took three and a half. We landed to the sound of cranes nearby. We put up the tent and as my mom was cooking, my sister and I took a short walk to see what we could find. The wind at the time was not bad...but by evening, wholly smokes was it really blowing! We took a walk and picked berries until about midnight and tried to settle down below the loud crackly sound of the tent's dome flap whipping in the wind. (this would be so much more exciting if I could add the sound here) By 4:30 AM we noticed that the wind was doing more damage to the tent's poles. One had snapped and tore the top. I heard later that the winds were gusting to 40MPH. We made a wind breaker and were able to sleep after about 30 minutes of tying off the broken section of the poles. The wind had not died down all the next day, which was maybe a good thing: No bugs. We got about 17 gallons altogether in two days, I got to bring home 6 gallons.

Rainy days, good for eliminating procrastination

2009-07-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I notice delays tend to wait for me to finish up something I put aside until it is completed. For example the weather outside has been dismal, and after I had a bout of sickness I got so bored I started scanning the pictures I wanted for myself from my parents collection (some of which were mine from years ago). What do you know - the sun is peaking through the clouds. Maybe once I am done uploading them to a place I can retrieve them later we can actually go berrypicking. Speaking of berries, they seem late this year. I hope we get some because I am missing my girls. The picture added here is my grandfather with his wife Olga, my dad and his sister Nastasia

Happy belated 91st Birthday to Apa "Papasneak" Peter Nick

2009-07-07T16:56:00.000-07:00

My eyes mist every time I see my grandfather "Ap'a Papasneak" Peter Nick pray thankfully before he blows out his birthday candles. This year he got discharged from the hospital after an episode of irregular heart beat and "A-Fib." His health in the past year has been a bit stable but about every month we are reminded that his condition will gradually decline. We are blessed to have him as long as we had...this year the great-grandchildren kept vigil at this bedside for a while as I finished cutting the chums and red salmon caught for drying at my parents fishcamp. The nurse asked during my session "where are his little grandchildren?" I replied smiling, "They are his great-grandchildren - I am one of his grandchildren." Her surprise was the normal response I am getting used to. Peter says his long life is due to his faith and active lifestyle and native foods.

Never fails the perfect moment for a good picture or camcorder and there is none to be found!!

2009-06-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

I have been at my parent's camp for two days now with Nicholas and there was at least 4 times where Nicholas got us laughing and one of us would say "if only we had a camera or camcorder!" With him being a year old and just learning to walk on the uneven ground his expressions when he almost stumbled or the time he fell and decided it was a great place to lay around and feel the sand, getting head to toe dirty especially around his mouth where he has been drooling on account of his molars coming out...I just had to write it somewhere I will not forget when I get home. Now we are at my parents home in bethel washing clothes and getting more sets because apparently three pants in a day of a year old boy is not enough. If only I had pictures!

Drunks practically at your doorstep, sad fact of small villages

2009-06-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

Sad, mad, loud, obnoxious young neighbor drunks mad at the world and everyone around them is not something I ever want to endure as I am trying to relax after a long day at work, yet this seems to be something I have to deal with yet again. In the past I have tried contacting the State Troopers with no response whatsoever. Russian Mission, like many other villages is a local option dry village, but every so often there are people who either buy bootleg alcohol or make home brew. Believe me it is nothing like the portrayal of people "partying the night away" that one sees on television where everyone is happy and relaxing. Most of the time they either end up sad and crying or mad and bitching away at anyone and everyone they see, both scenarios very loudly. Unlike the city where someone is able to take them away or one can walk away from the scene, in the village there is no where to go to and here in Russian Mission we do not have any peace officers -VPSO/VPO since our last one committed suicide. We end in a tragic cycle where gradually the drinking gets worse and worse, then a tragic death, then a period of relative quiet then gradually the drinking gets worse and worse...escalates, then another death. Sadly most do not learn from the previous tragedies..

Two times in as many days of being called old is so wrong!

2009-06-09T02:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a small group of my family and I took advantage of the break of the rain and wind and went down river for a day of looking for wild rhubarbs and the annual spring picnic. My daughters were still abed as I was getting ready. During my third round to their bedrooms asking them if they were getting out of bed and joining us my daughter asked who was included in "us." I named my older sister Olga, younger sister Anita and her husband, Nicholas and whichever kids they are bringing along. That was when Maxine gripped "I am not going if there are only you old people." Ohh I was so annoyed! The nerve of her calling me old! I quickly gave her daughter back to her and said, "you better stay up, I am leaving now - OLD PEOPLE - humph!" She ended up reaching the boat just before me due to most of the workers not showing up until after two... I had a blast climbing the cliffs and enjoying the view and company of my family.

This afternoon the family reminded each other of Olga's upcoming birthday. My sister Anita asked how old she is and made a face when I said 41, asking if that meant that my parents will celebrate their 42nd or 40th anniversary this year. I shook my head at her and stated 42nd. Later my girls were making comments like "only 9 more years and she will be half a century." I am two years younger than she is and I was shaking my head. Of course I could not blame them for doing something I did at 18. I distinctly remember thinking my aunt as such a wise elder of 28 during my first year of college. As I grew I would reflect on that thinking, "this does not feel as old as i thought it was - I still feel more like a teenager than an adult." Oh well - such is life. Here is to all us "young fellas" who still kinda have a kid inside somewhere. I am so not THAT old!!! LOL

These days are nothing like the old days...or was I just not paying attention?

2009-06-04T02:51:00.000-07:00

One thing I distinctly remember mumbling to myself as I got lectured was that I would not tell my kids "You have it so easy, why are you griping?!" The city has no funds for a VPSO/VPO and the kids are staying up later and later here. Also, there are a few people with vehicles who have no qualms about joyriding round and round the town way into the early morning hours, like tonight...or this morning however you want to see 2:20 AM. I gave up on sleeping because between the dog howling that sounds more like some person wailing in drunkenness or extreme despair than an animal, the loud ATV and motorbike and the occasional vague impression of some one's conversations outside I cannot relax. During these times I wonder how the village's internal clock got so hay wired that people think 2 AM is a great time to take a ride through the town. I admit as a teenager I occasionally stayed out late walking the few roads we have but we would never be so disrespectful of our elders or others to be loud enough to disturb their slumber. I find myself shaking my head because I now know how my parents and grandparents felt as they scolded me about staying out late, something I never thought would happen. I think I need a break from the village...a nice boat ride to get some wild rhubarbs should do it, weather permitting. Oh how I miss our fish camp downriver! The peace and quiet. (Darn, I sound more and more like my parents)

Worries keeping me up, along with reflections...

2009-05-22T02:38:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law called me this evening saying my grandfather was not feeling well and wanted us to come down. After a bit Nicholas and I went down despite him being tired. My Ap'a is 90 and 10 months, and according to the age he gives others he feels a lot older than that. (He told my mom he was 101 years old). His health has been on a roller coaster lately. My mind tells me that he won't be with us forever and we are so lucky to have him, and to have him healthy for as long as we have had him but my heart still cringes at the thought of losing him. We, grandkids and great-grandkids have been closer to him than his kids growing up. The adults try to tell each other comforting things like reflecting how blessed we are, the great-grandkids don't want to even mention that he has been old for a good twenty years... I can relate because the kid in me doesn't want to accept that either. When I really look at him lately I can't help noticing how greatly he has aged even within this past year. Tonight we also heard that his brother-in-law/first cousin was medivac'd into Bethel because his heart slowed down. He is our "Big Ap'a" a name we grew up associating with Alexander Isaac since childhood such that even my kids call him Big Apa. I know I am so fortunate to have known my grandparents for as long as I have and they have been able to watch my kids grow up...kinda grow up. Even seen my grandchild, I am just sad and worried that when it comes time to say "we will be good, don't worry about us." that I will mean it. I know we will be okay....they have taught us well by their examples. They love God above all else and love us with their whole hearts, always guiding us through and showing us how to live "like a true human being," caring for others with patience, love, understanding and kindness.

2009 another year of the flood...and I am missing the adventures!

2009-05-22T01:30:00.000-07:00

My daughter Maxine is having the time of her life this spring enjoying the unique activities that the spring flood has brought. She has canoed the airstrip, tried catching ducks with a 22, took a ride to the watertower hill to take pictures of the lower village, coming home will all kinds of awesome stories while I sit exhausted from working. lol it is not as bad as that but I still could not help wishing I was able to do some of those things. My aunt, the store manager is sick and I am subbing for her. Don't get me wrong I love the fact that I am earning some money but I don't know of anyone who would trade working in a building with no windows to canoeing what a week ago was dry land or taking a ride to a hillside and enjoying the view. Ahh....the joys of adult responsibilities. I got dibs on summer and fall to be outside!!!!

My classmate was one of the four found in Anchorage

2009-05-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

Our community was saddened in hearing that Simeon Boots, known to us as Gunnazaq, was found in Anchorage. His dad lives at his campsite at Takliq year round, and brother down lower-48. It is unknown as to how he died. Most of my memories of him are during school hours. I take comfort in that our other classmate Nick Pitka Jr, or Saloony as we called him would meet him on the other side along with his mother, grandfather and other family members. I just hope the water level does not cover our airstrip as we are in danger of having it under the flood area. As it is, the river is surrounding it - the passengers were met by a CAT to take them to the dry areas of the village.

I just had to share this with you guys

2009-05-14T02:36:00.000-07:00

When Nicholas and I were heading to Anchorage the roads were not repaired from the runoff of the spring thawing of the snow so we had to find our own way down to the airstrip instead of the agent picking us up with his truck. I asked my sister-in-law Beck and as we were riding down she asked if I had a cell phone. I don't, so she offered hers and I accepted. Trouble was I was unfamiliar with the type she had and could not find her number. I called my girls and informed them that I had their auntie Beck's phone, but they had to call her for the number and did not expect a phone call from anyone. The next afternoon I received a call but pressed the wrong button in my haste to answer the phone and missed the call. I was tired and did not recognize the number on the received calls so I called the number to notify them that if they were calling for Becky she was at home. I did not recognize the person on the other line, and was not expecting anyone to call me yet so my explanation was kinda rushed into their ear rather abruptly practically as soon as they said, "hello." There was silence for a couple seconds then that someone asked, "are you a single lady?" I was shocked and alarmed, because I did not know who this man was and blurted, "NO!" and hung up the phone. The phone rang again, I did not answer.

I was still not familiar with the phone's dynamics but I was able to answer other calls and replied to two text messages after Nicholas and I returned to the Quyana quarters. In total I got five different people calling to reassure me that the mystery man was my younger brother Steven, along with two different people texting me the same information. When I treated him like a stranger when he answered cell (sort of newly acquired-and yes, I did recognize it when I finally got settled safely in my room,) he decided to see if I would recognize his voice, which obviously I did not. I got so much mixed emotions from relief to only God knows what else. There was no one else besides Nicholas there but I felt so embarrassed! I had a good laugh over it later, after I quit being jumil. I still waved my fists at him playfully when I seen him and said, "You were lucky to have been way over here when I found out." This story definitely will be told for years to come. By golly when I finally get me another cell phone his number will be the first one I identify on my contact list! :D

Nicholas' had tubes put in his ears

2009-05-10T01:19:00.000-07:00

On the 6th of May Nicholas and I began our journey into Anchorage to put tubes in his ears. At first I was worried about his age and, to be honest a whole lot of other "what if"s. The third attempt at traveling was the charm, so to speak. The first try was stopped by Mt. Redoubt. The second by a high fever and ear infection. The weather was nice and warm down there, warmer than Russian Mission.

Nicholas was a big hit with the people there. Everyone was amazed that he was only 15 months because he looks to be at least a year older. We seen people I have not seen in a long long time which was nice. The last night there we watched a native dance group in the main lobby. I tried taking him for a walk around the hospital to "wear him out" for his nap and ended up the one worn out.

By the third night I was feeling a bit lonesome for my family and so was Nicholas by the uninterested manner in which he approached our activities. It was good to come home but the travel took its toll on my energy level. At home earlier today my cousin Irene and niece Tanya and six other seniors had their graduation ceremony. Tonight the prom. lol I ended up babysitting but it is one thing I hope never to tire from, kids are kids for such a short time.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Steven and Katie Nick

2009-04-30T21:15:00.001-07:00

My Brother Steven and Katie Lease got married on April 26th. It was a very beautiful ceremony. My family from Bethel and her mother and sister-in-law came to attend this happy event. It was a bit challenging with the snow melting so quickly. My sister Olga was on-call the night we were decorating the cake. My nieces and cousins helped decorate the cakes. Thank goodness it was not as elaborate as my cousin John's cake! Afterwards Steven and the Russian Mission band played and my dad even went up and joined them in song. Fun times. I personally did not see that. I was worn out from all the celebrations. Nicholas is getting heavy! Katie's daughter Reanna whispered to me during the ceremony, "Now Ruby is my sister, I have two sisters now," speaking of Ruby, Steven's daughter who is adopted by my sister Olga and Katrice, Reanna's younger sister. She calls Steven dad, which warms my heart. Love is truly one of life's greatest blessings!

Arctic Care Arrives at Russian Mission

2009-03-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

On a warm afternoon of March 10th as I was getting Nicholas ready for our walk to the clinic I heard something very unusual, the sound of choppers. Puzzled I looked outside my living room window to see two military helicopters circling the village. Not knowing what was going on I called Jim. "It is the Arctic Care," he replied. As we talked I noticed something very alarming. One of the helicopters was descending right between the clinic and post office! "Oh My God! What are they doing!" Images of broken power lines tangling the people inside filled my mind such that I could not talk for a few seconds. I could not understand why they would land there when we have a big airfield with plenty of room on the apron. I watched as the second helicopter tried to find a landing spot within the village, hovering over various places before returning back to the area of the first helicopter. The one that landed eventually took off and they parked on the apron of the airport. What an adventurous and unexpected entrance! This is one day I will not soon forget. Later when talking to my daughters and niece about our exciting afternoon I heard that there were some other more dramatic conclusions to seeing the copters hover over the village. Apparently one of the young girls on the road next to my grandpa's house where they were exclaimed, "They are going to kill us! Its the end of the world!" These do make very good conversations. There is now personnel here to help see to the health of our people until the 18th, a dentist, a physical therapist, an optometrist, an audiologist, and two main doctors. We are blessed.

Daylight Savings Time, and updates of the family

2009-03-09T02:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's because of the increase in the amount of times I actually look at the time lately or just the usual trouble adjusting to the new time whenever I deal with daylight savings time but I am TIRED today yet I cannot sleep...maybe I am just too tired. The spring cleaning bug has bitten earlier than usual and I have spent most of today going through boxes of clothes I had hidden away, sorting out the ones to give away, refolding ones that Nicholas grabbed and threw on the floor, over and over again. He has become a human version of Curious George. So far he has ransacked my kitchen, dug in the trash, emptied a number of drawers in the bedroom to the point where I actually told him, "Nicholas - you have a whole year before you become a terrible two! There is no skipping!" This weather does not help much with all the snow and wind...but at least we got a break yesterday and most of today.

Yesterda my daughter came back from St. Marys where the regional tournament was held. Her team came in third, the boys second and she won first place in the free throw contest. Her sister asked what she got for it, she replied "just a piece of paper" referring to the certificate. Silly kid. I am very proud of her. The team actually traveled in the freezing rain, then literally pouring rain in order to make it to the tournament because the planes could not pick them up. Talk about dedication! They survived without getting sick so that is a great thing. Part of me admired their dedication, the mother in me thought they were nuts to even think of traveling. Like I was at that age, Felicia loves to travel. Here is to ongoing athletic efforts of our youth!

Amateur Cake Decorators

2009-02-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

In the tiny villages of rural Alaska there are usually no cake shops where one can order a special cake so sometimes those of us who do not normally design and decorate wedding cakes find ourselves stacking tiers and placing stairs and flowers... My cousin John Askoak got married last weekend to his long time girlfriend Darlene "Tassie" Nickoli. She asked me if I could make her cake. I replied that only if my sister Olga was willing to help decorate. Olga is a health aide here and she was on call - thank goodness no one called her. She left my house at 5:30 A.M. Sunday morning, we were almost done. The parents of the bride helped bring the cake to the gym, and my sister and I finished up the cake with time to sit and anxiously await the happy crowd. One of the people asked me how much cake mixes we used, and another asked other questions - my response to all was "I have no idea, I lost count. I am just so glad it turned out okay!" After I recover from this case of flu I have a few people asking about taxes...such is life in rural Alaska.

Sad start of 2009

2009-01-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

During the end of 2008 and start of 2009 the villagers of Russian Mission knew that two of our elders were not well, but still their passing was a bit of a shock to me. Our Christmas "Slavic" celebration was in progress when on January 10th Norman Housler Sr. passed away. A great example of Christian piety and faith, a gentle man who did so much for our village during his years, greatly loved by many. We will miss him greatly. The day after his funeral we lost Sarah Askoak, a former chior leader and member of the sisterhood of the church. Norman was my mother's uncle, Sarah her aunt. To make matters worse some younger villagers spent the time during our holiday drinking. Hopefully our situations here will improve.
During this time of saddness I forgot my registration. Hopefully I will be able to do something later on to get back on track with my educational goals. Until then I have my children, my grandchild and my grandparents to think of... Keep me and my little village in your prayers and I pray that your 2009, your family friends and communities are safe, healthy and all things positive.

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-24T02:26:00.001-08:00

MyHotComments Merry Christmas and a happy and healthy New Year!!

Isn't she the most adorable Christmas baby!! I just had to show you all my granddaughter's picture in her Christmas outfit. She really is my precious one! Beautiful One! Just so cuter, cuter CUTER!!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

2008-12-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

My Christmas Spirit was in low supply when out of the blue my Godchild Alyssa and my nephew Jayden, who calls me mom, asked to camp for the night and insisted that we put up my Christmas tree. I was not in the mood but after a couple minutes I gave in and helped put the tree together and put the lights and the garland Jayden chose. They took care of the rest. What a blessing they are!! Seeing the lights and the decorations brightened my mood. After that was done they commenced to ask when the cookies we make each year will be made. We made a batch yesterday and more will be made today after school. With all the negative things happening it was hard to notice the positive. The boiler is down again after finally being fixed last month, the washer is leaking, my neighbors are drinking more frequently than usual with their fighting and crying, and I was not able to work much - you get the picture. Suffice it to say that whenever things get dismal my children add a spark of childhood pleasure that fades the negativity away. I hope you and yours do the same for you. Wishing you all the best in this Holiday season!

Our last berrypicking outting

2008-10-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

I love my babies but once in a while I need a break. So one Saturday in October even with snow on the mountains I went berry picking for low bush cranberries downriver with my aunt Axinia Takumjenak, uncle Willie Takumjenak, my mom's first cousin Okalena Polty and my dad's cousin Joe Klukluk. It was not as cold as we thought it was going to be but there was snow on the ground. I was wanting to post this earlier but kept getting interrupted.

Mr. and Mrs. Stephanoff, Sponcers and Father Peter Askoar

2008-09-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

I just got my internet back online but don't have much time to actually be online. I did want to post one picture of my beautiful daughter Charitina and her new husband Pete, Father Peter Askoar who officiated the ceremony and Mr. and Mrs. Fred Jr. and Patricia Tinker who held their crowns and were the two official witnesses. In our tradition they became the new parents, guides to marriage life and counselors along with us parents. I will post more pictures once I actually have the time.

My Daughter is getting married

2008-08-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

My daughter Charitina is getting married this Sunday. The family is all together and things are getting hectic. My aunt forgot my name, my cousin said "I am putting the fish in the chicken." I have been running around in circles and sometimes find that I tell someone half a sentence and walk away to finish something I started but didn't finish. Crazy fun times! My mother and her sister's are together again - the brother's are not all here. Memories of those that passed on makes some moments bittersweet but that just brings us closer together.

Oh how I wish you could have seen those raspberries!

2008-08-24T03:16:00.000-07:00

mm-MM! I have not seen such a sight since childhood! Ruby red raspberries glistening between green grass with the evening sunshine beaming between the trees. How I wished for a camera! They were perfectly ripe and some were so big the branches were drooping from the weight of the fruit. My aunt, sister and I needed a break from our various duties within the village but my sister was the health aide on call so she was not allowed to stray from the village. One of the drawbacks of being a health aide. I have been substituting as the manager of the corporation store as my aunt takes some of her annual leave. I used to be the manager of the store some years back but the hours are long, duties are numerous and the pay is cheap. I work more to ease my aunt's burden (she is now the manager of the store) than to get the $10.00 per hour wages. Shucks, I have digressed from the topic of those beautifully delicious berries. My bad. With my daughter's wedding only a week away I have been juggling my finances, time, energy, focus and sanity to the point that the moments of tranquility in nature is much too precious not to enjoy to the fullest. The only bugging part of the evening was the bugs. If someone could invent a way to go picking berries without getting picked on by bugs until one wants to rub repellant constantly all over oneself that person would be a millionaire in Rural Alaska. The gnats and no-see-ums were worst around the juiciest and biggest berries. Three times my aunt said "I have had enough" before we actually came out of the woods and back onto the beach.

My Granddaughter's Baptism

2008-08-21T20:16:00.000-07:00

A complication of contemporary names and baptism is matching names. My grandchild's name is Jordan Skyler - Jordan is listed in the baptismal names as a masculine saint's name. Skyler is not listed at all. This was the Priest's first baptism and to end the confusion he asked us to pick a feminine name to christian Jordan. We ended up choosing Elizabeth to honor her paternal great-grandmother. Elizabeth is also the baptismal name for my daughter Maxine Elizabeth, her mother. She was born on my aunt's 30th anniversary so we asked her to be the Godmother. This issue of names matching the birth record and sex of the saint whose name is a long and ongoing argument. I am glad I am in no position to make official opinions on the subject!

The Heat is ON!! but I wonder if there will be blueberries?

2008-08-11T01:36:00.000-07:00

Oh what a wonderful Sunday afternoon I had! The sun was out and it was actually warm and I spent the afternoon with my grandmother, my aunts and their families and my son out enjoying nature. The river was calm, the geese were flying in flocks, the bugs were not many... mmm ... what a blessing! The only sad part was that again there was no blueberries. The second area close to home and the tundra was so dry. I brought my baby with me - he was so HEAVY :D. But I found a way to carry him on my back using my kuspuk, taking cue from those old pictures of native women carrying their babies on their backs. My cousin and I were trying to figure things out and Nicholas was laughing as though he was getting a kick at our expense. When I finally got him where I was semi-certain he would not be dropping out behind me I tried to bend down to see how he would take it and he giggled in my ear every time. Missy took pictures I hope I get to post here. An afternoon to treasure also in that we got to take my grandmother out to her allotment adjacent to her departed sister's allotment where they had spent many happy years picking berries. She hardly gets to go out anymore like she used to. We had a picnic supper at the beach watching flocks of geese fly above the river, feeling the warmth - warmth of the sun for once since the three days in June we had a hot afternoon.... I can return to the windowless store tomorrow with a renewed spirit and a sunburnt nose.

Berries are late this year...such a cold summer

2008-07-26T01:04:00.000-07:00

One of my annual stress relievers is spending the day outside picking berries. There is something about being surrounded with nature that drains away my tension. A lady here said that her family went out and looked around but didn't see any ripe fruit at all...sad. It has been so cold... hopefully soon...

My Grandfather Peter

2008-07-11T00:45:00.001-07:00

The people pictured here with my grandfather are only a small fraction of our family...

My grandfather is a very quiet man whose eyesight nowadays reminds me of Mr. Magoo. Once he realizes who he is seeing his memory oftentimes astounds me. He has been sharing information with us for as long as I can remember about the places and people of our region. When his health started declining he told me how his mom died when he was around two due to the flu epidemic. He would look down and put his hand in a sweeping motion in front of him and say, "I can still see it when they put her in the mud. My auntie Qiatguq- the first Qiatguq behind me, and behind her my other three aunties." He said that his aunt that took him in died shortly after his mom, then he was adopted by the couple he calls his parents - Peter and Nastasia Nick. I once asked him what was his mom's name, he did not recall only knowing her as mom. His biological father was not in the picture, being a Caucasian miner by the name of George Fredricks who later moved to Sleetmute. By the time he was a teenager both his adoptive parents died and he lived with his uncle and cousins. One of my dreams is to have some kind of documentary of his stories. I have some written notes and had one video but they are only a small peek into the treasure of stories he can tell us.

Happy 90th Birthday Ap'a Peter "Papasneak" Nick

2008-07-05T02:00:00.000-07:00

My grandfather celebrated his 90th birthday on July 4, 2008. We were in Bethel for a check up at the hospital and missed our plane ride home on the 3rd but have a lot of family here. I spent the day with my son, my grandpa and my brother Herman cooking while the others checked out the parade and activities in Pinkys Park. Its been a long but greatly appreciated day. I was going to post a picture of us but I can't get it uploaded on this old computer. There were two things my Ap'a prayed for as a child who lost his mother to the big flu along with others (which he still remembers): he prayed for a long life and to have a big family - not to be alone all his life. His prayers have been answered!! He has 3 children, 15 grandchildren, over 20 great-grandchildren and one great-great-granddaughter!!!! We have been blessed to have him with us all these years - he is a great role model and we cannot express our gratitude to grow up so closely with him at our side.

Didn't make it to Fairbanks for a class needed for internship...

2008-06-30T03:08:00.000-07:00

Well I don't know if it is prophetic, pragmatic, or just pathetic but there were a lot of things that detained me from reaching Fairbanks for a retake of ED 410. For one thing, Hagelands - FRONTIER ALASKA I should say did not have me listed to Bethel. Then I did not have a ticket for Bethel to Anchorage to get to the Anchorage to Fairbanks part of my trip. It was probably a good thing because I had a bad case of the flu Saturday and Sunday. So right now I am wondering what is next...

If I listen to Karma all signs are saying that for now it was just not meant to be. If I be practical, looking at my personal situations family-wise I would say I need to be here for my family for a while and help them out with fishing and preparing for my daughter's wedding (Charitina, on August 31st). Also my grandfather will be turning 90 on the 4th of July and people are expecting a big celebration - I was so bummed that I would miss it. Financially I need to get some work to help with the bills. I usually work at the store every summer since I used to work at the store as a manager starting in 1996. My grandchild got medivac'd on Thursday evening but is doing much better after spending the past two days admitted at the hospital. I have been trying to help my grandmother with her fish harvesting whenever the fishing opens. Its been kinda tough since Nicholas has asthma and cannot stay at camp. I love cutting fish, being at the camp - just hate the smell on us once we get home :)). My mother told me that there is talk of a lot of berries on the Kuskokwim area. Oh what I would do to go on a berry picking camping trip with my family!!!

Oh well - we will see what those who arranged the travel say tomorrow, but I don't know what I am going to do. I feel like everything is bumping into me saying "Hold it!!! Slow down!! Be watchful! Get ready for something - be with your family right now!!!" I just hope it is nothing prophetic because my grandparents have not been feeling very well lately... It is in God's hands where I go from here. If I am meant to be in Fairbanks I will make it up, if not - I must be needed more at home.

Unwinding before life tumbles me hither and yon again

2008-06-19T01:44:00.000-07:00

Back from escorting my grandpa to Anchorage for preventative screening. This trip was LONG and basically unproductive - They did an ultrasound on his corroded artery and scheduled a review the next morning to do a "follow up" only to have us wait an hour later than the appointment, skip us because my grandpa went to use the bathroom.... that is not the end of it! The Doctor sat down and said "You are doing a follow up from August of 2007?" I was not in a good mood. After I told him that he was to review the report from the sonogram that was done the day before he looks it up to find it missing. He turns to us and says "I cannot consult with you about the test as it is missing, you will have to schedule an appointment tomorrow." It seemed to me a brushoff because he never even attempted to call the cardiologist department to see if they can check their records just said "it is not here, you must come again." To make this story short - I filed a complaint, and asked that the information be sent to his primary care Doctor since the one we were talking to did not seem like he was interested in anything about my grandfather. He was willing to have us come again in two months to have the procedure done again and review the one done yesterday during that time. When we finally reached home I was so tired I took a nap. Later on my sister called me and said "they were cutting 50 kings at camp today." I felt so guilty because I was just too worn out to leave my son and granddaughter who I had not seen in four days to go down to camp and join the procession. I did try to do my assignments while at Anchorage but I could not concentrate. OH i so want to just close all the books and just go back to the simple life of having a job! In all honesty my stamina can't hold much more of this wide variety of unorganized life.

Five Generations

2008-05-16T02:18:00.000-07:00

Not something one sees often, Marie Askoak is now the head of a family branch that spans five generations with her daughter Minnie Nick, myself, my daughter Maxine Vaska and her daughter Jordan Sklyer Duffy. We were preparing for our memorial feast for my departed grandfather Simeon whom we lost May 15, 1997. My grandfather Peter Nick on my fathers side will turn 90 God willing on the 4th of July, 2008.

A picture of my Grandchild

2008-05-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

After a seemingly long wait and an unexpected C-Section we are proud to introduce my first grandchild Jordan Skyler Duffy. She joins the very large, very happy family of Duffy's and Vaska/Nick/Askoak family. Now that she is born I can hopefully salvage some of my grades for the spring semester.... Congratulations to my daughter Maxine and her boyfriend Stephan "Blacky" Duffy, grandparents Jim and Lovey Duffy, Great Grandparents Alex and Minnie Nick, John and Emma Vaska, mr and mrs Duffy, Great-GREAT- Grandparents Peter Nick and Marie Askoak....along with all their extended families...and welcome to the world baby Jordan - you have a lot of love around you and a lot of babysitters :D.

HELLO GRANDBABY!!!!

2008-05-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

My daughter had a Mothers Day baby girl weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces, stretching 20 and a half inches long at 3:48 P.M. May 11th 2008. Mother and daughter doing fine, impatiently sitting at the hospital as the new mother recovers from an unexpected c-section. We were blessed though that we went to the hospital early enough that nothing was rushed. Turns out that the baby was wanting to come into the world feet first. She was breached. My grandmother told me to tell the baby "just like Grandma!" because turns out I was born feet first. It was a wonderful Mothers Day present. The other grandmother was there in the lobby, along with my parents, the father Stephan "Blacky" and his sister Nadia, their cousins Diane and Brian, my sister-in-law April, my niece Rachael and the new uncle Nicholas. Sadly we all did not have a camera between us. We are in the process of finding one. I will post pictures as soon as possible. Until then...

How much is too much???

2008-05-03T01:03:00.000-07:00

These semesters at home have been pretty rough and my grades are reflecting it. I am becoming so discouraged because it seems that getting good grades are important only to me, and little by little I get asked to do "one little favor" after another that I cannot focus or my baby gets sick and I can't focus, or one of my grandparents get sick and I can't focus. How much is too much that it would be better to just say "Okay, come here let me do what I can and I will try again later when no one needs help." I am not going to, I have come too far to walk away now and I know I will be a good teacher someday...

I detest getting low grades, I really beat myself up mentally because I know if I had that focus I would have done great. It has come to the point where I cannot concentrate on anything. I am tired. I am worn out. I am sick to my stomach about a pitiful grade that I seen go downhill very early in the semester and knew I did not have the energy to get it up to my standard. Truthfully I am not depressed, just mad at myself for a while and needed to vent. I am not used to being a hermit and these audioconference and correspondence classes have caged me into my home practically. It must be a combination of a bad grade and cabin fever. That and the knowledge that my brothers have seen the geese and I am the only one who plucks the damn birds and gets them on the table for my grandfather. I like the product, just hate plucking :)).

Okay - enough venting. I do feel a lot better getting it out there. [Muuusssaaaa] [auummmm]

Here's to melting snow (I hope).
enjoy your summer
OOHHH yea - Congratulations to my sister Olga F. Evan on her graduation today! She is a health aide here in Russian Mission

Happy Easter!

2008-04-26T01:10:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I am a Russian Orthodox Christian. This Sunday is our Easter and things are hectic to say the least because it is also the last Sunday before the finals. I have had to find ways to balance out a lot of things. At least now I don't have to hold the news of my eldest daughter's engagement any longer since she has had her boyfriend ask my dad yesterday. She is adopted by my parents but I still consider her my baby too. She is only 19 years old... I am happy that she has found a responsible partner, and I do like Pete, respect him... Just sad though that time really flew by: seems like just a few years ago she was a baby, and now she is planning on getting married in August. I have gotten so much gray hair sprouting this past week than I have had in a long long time. With my internship year possibly starting this August you can just imagine my emotions at this time! I must look so responsible to someone up there! I can just hear "C'mon Nus, I know you can handle this! Show me how you can juggle" Ohh well... bring out the gigantic calendar and a set of colored markers, an excel spreadsheet for budgeting, and a help wanted ad that accepts teenagers. Here is to the future Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Pete and Charitina Stephanoff!

Farewell Fairbanks

2008-04-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

Today ends the intensive part of our ED 486. Tomorrow at 4 A.M. we begin our journey home, leaving at 6 and reaching home at 5:30 P.M. The class seemed quick and interesting. I really enjoyed it. It was good to be able to talk to all my classmates face to face and spend time with them. I am so looking forward to being back home again and seeing my baby...babies

life in the temp dorms

2008-04-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

On April 10th a group of Ed students from rural Alaska were brought in to Fairbanks for an intensive class required for our degree. I must admit first that by the time the day was over I felt as though I was pushed through a ringer. Having no alarm clock is an experience I was not expecting, neither was the fact that we are herded together for breakfast and supper where someone goes to the register and says "I am paying for these guys here." You can imagine our feelings as someone who is much younger than most of us tries desperately not to show her embarrassment in this. I was a bit insulted at first, but I am telling myself that I will make the most of this opportunity. It is sad though when after all their reports to get the money they do to help us, using our numbers that we still get treated sometimes like we can't do for ourselves at the most unexpected places. All the more reason to get into those classrooms! One thing that sustains me and keeps my mouth from going and going is something my grandmother told me: "When someone hurts your feelings, leave them alone. God said 'it is not unto you that they do this but unto me.' If you do nothing then God will handle it and it will go back to them three-fold."

Getting the Jitters

2008-04-08T00:10:00.000-07:00

During my interview things still felt a bit surreal, I could kind of see myself in a classroom. Some of the questions had me worrying about my memory capabilities but I blamed it on nerves - that was safer than the alternative in my mind since having a "WHOA THERE -WHAT??" moment right in the middle of answering a question from those who have my not-so-far future plans in their hands would not be good. After the interview things were worrisome with me nit-picking over my answers and what I should have said instead...then the weekend where the assignments were beginning to seem all the more closer to the actual planning within the classroom arena. I got to thinking about all the steps it will take to make sure I am ready for August. That got me knocking off days: Oh its only 29 days until Maxine is due..that gives me until May. It will take about a month to kinda settle into a routine with both babies that takes May, then there is fishing in June...then I made a mistake. I looked back. Hey..its April already. Not only that the first week of April is gone...How the he** did THAT happen??? Oh my GOD I am not going to be ready. I can do it but I will need major help. Okay, help...help...from who...big family. Oh yeah, right - I got a big family...a big family who depends on me to help not the other way around. lol...I think I need to put myself back in denial. Don't look up until after finals! The finals is the finish line for now... brush up for that and I will still be relatively calm by the time the grandbaby comes.

Its Raining! No..Snowing...blowing... agh! Its just yucky out there!

2008-04-03T12:18:00.000-07:00

This is one day I am actually happy to be stuck at home! Typical Alaskan early spring weather with the wind going every-which-way-it-can throwing first big globs of snowy clumps onto the window pane then following that with splatters of rain. April 2nd and we still managed to get a good 6 inches of snow overnight. The students are doing the annual standardized tests and I am trying to organize my reading and writing to baby Nicholas' naps and feeding times. I believe by the time he is 4 months along, and if anyone can understand baby babble he would be complaining as much as his older sisters about how long and drawn out my reading assignments are. Since I have overused the "oh you're so handsome!" and "such a big boy!" that even I am tired of hearing myself use those terms, I have resorted to reading aloud my assignments to baby. Wouldn't it be a bummer if he ends up going to Preschool quoting Linguistics, differentiation and reader's workshop methods? Got to go - he woke up again... Here's to a 52 page chapter on Instructional Adaptations!

Baptism of Nicholas and Ruby Anastasia

2008-03-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

After almost two years of waiting for approval my niece, now godchild Ruby Anastasia Angelina Evan was baptized along with Nicholas and three other children last Saturday. It was a long sad delay due to a stipulation of Bishop Nickoli that children would not be baptized unless their baptismal name matched the birth certificate. It is very upsetting to see the extent of turmoil within one's church. My niece was named after two of my elder relatives: Anastasia, for my father's aunt and Angelina for my mother's aunt both who were very close to their faith.
Academically things are better but not up to my standard. I still have half of the school year to go and only two weeks until I have to escort my daughter to wait in Bethel for her last month of pregnancy. I have ten hours (two classes at five hours remaining) and my son is still fighting his bad cold. We had to fly to Bethel on Tuesday to be seen at the hospital, came home and almost was sent back to Bethel today. On April 4th I will have an interview for my internship year...I am having doubts due mainly to the lack of support I am receiving in childcare. Have I come this far only to be snagged with family issues? If I am, would it have been better to just stayed as a Homeschool Coordinator? I look at all the other people with jobs they can leave at their workplace and just deal with family once home and look at my homework and reading assignments that I can't get to or get done due to personal issues... I want to be a teacher, I know I will be a good one - if only I could get the support I need to do the work. There is no childcare services here, all my relatives are unable to help, and we have another baby coming in 8 weeks. I can do a lot but I am only one person and I do have my limits.

When one's choices come back to kick from behind

2008-02-25T15:12:00.001-08:00

Okay, for as long as I can remember I have given into doing what I can to help my family and in a sense my community even knowing doing so would enlarge my personal challenges. What can I say I am a sucker for the seemingly lamentful. Knowing this would be my last semester before my internship year I was beginning to be hopeful and optimistic - and relieved! Oh SO relieved! I must have looked too comfortable! Fastforward about a few months and you see me as I sit now: oh so worried that I may not be able to save my grades...I want to cry. I want to blame someone, but I know I cannot because I made the choices knowing full well that I would possibly not catch up with my classes. I am sad that I can't seem to find time to do assignments with a month old baby and two teenagers with terrible colds. I can at least say for certain that I do not have to worry about the store now that the manager is back along with the seasoned workers. Times like these I question what my "destiny" really is... I think for the most part it is my inner self crying for my grades because I tend to really need that satisfaction that I did a good job in what I accept to complete. It is just that when asked to see to the store while the manager brought her two boys for surgery I feel as though I sacrificed my grades in exchange. Sure the community had an open store from the 6th to the 19th, sure I am not going to complain that I got paid for it, sure there was no one else who was qualified...so why do I feel short-changed? Can someone in my situation really be supported enough to just take classes and do homework? If I say NO because I can give examples of calls to fix grampa's medication and sneaky remarks of someone else cleaning up his house instead of me - "while you were --??" and once or twice an uncle (kinda nutty one but...) mentioning about how long I have not been seen at church to sing in how long ---? Ohh the pressure...dismay...Where is that damn Calgon anyway???

Is there progress pushing the unmotivated?

2008-02-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

This question hangs over teacher's all over, when students in the classroom persist on the "I Don't WANT to do that and you cannot make me" mantra. During one of my fieldwork assigned classes I had the opportunity to observe some of the kids I worked with about four years ago. Much to my dismay some had the same "I can't do this so I ain't tryin" attitude. Very disheartening and discouraging to see that time and years in the educational system did not diminish this attitude. Once home it nagged at me, but I brushed it off as maybe they had a bad day. Much to my disappointment all my other fieldwork experiences with this group has been the same. What happens to the students that do not get positive experiences in the school system? What can be done as educators? If there is no support from anyone else what can one do? What will I do once I become a teacher if I cannot influence a child to at least attempt to understand a lesson?

Baby slideshow

2008-02-01T02:41:00.000-08:00

I have tried to upload a bunch of pictures but only these were successful: Enjoy baby's first bath. He enjoyed washing his hair, cried when on the towel washing his body, but stopped crying as soon as he sat in the basin. Such a cutie!!

I have a SON!!!!

2008-01-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

MyHotComments
Nicholas Paul Vaska Born January 22, 2008

My granddaughter's sonogram

2008-01-21T18:59:00.000-08:00

Here is a profile picture of my little granddaughter... I cannot wait for the day I hold her in my arms. God willing she will arrive May 7th, 2008. A little girl! My other baby is arriving soon...I don't know the gender of that one. If it is a boy his name will be Nicholas Paul Vaska, if she is a girl Kathleen....gosh...Kathleen (ahm no middle name yet) Vaska. I better look at the baby names online again... I am taking EDSE 422 with many of my former classmates (YAY!!!) It was so good to see your names online and hear everyone...hear you again tomorrow!

A glimpse of the city life again

2008-01-16T10:55:00.000-08:00

Maxine and I are relaxing for a few minutes before returning to the Anchorage International Airport. The Doctor that reviewed the sonogram done in Bethel said he wanted another one done to make sure the baby had no signs of Down Syndrome since the first prenatal was past the 22 week deadline for the three-t test (I think that is what it is called) for birth defects. Worrisome week... the new sonogram we did was very thorough and the Doctor here says everything looks normal and healthy and my granddaughter seems to be doing just fine!! (Whew!)

I am almost done with the application for my internship year, and we are almost ready for the first baby to arrive which will be soon. Busy busy busy...but like everything else taken a day at a time things will work out.

It was so wonderful to see Theresa at ANMC yesterday and Margaret when we were coming home from a Bethel appointment last week! Always good to see great friends. I hope to see some of you again sometime soon... Until then take care and God Bless all! ~Nuss

Happy New Year!! I miss your notes!

2008-01-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say Happy New Year to you all. I miss your blogs. I am enjoying the break, or what is left of the break by working at the store helping with inventory, taxes and dividends... I need to leave some time for getting ready to welcome everyone to my home on possibly the 8th or 9th during our "Slavic." I hope everyone is doing OK. Hopefully on the 6th Maxine and I will actually make it to her first prenatal. Every day they scheduled a sono and first prenatal, the snow bucket in the sky gets a big kick and it all comes falling down like there is no tomorrow. God willing we will actually make it into a plane and down to Bethel. It so happens that on the 7th the star in Bethel will enter my parents home and we might actually get to spend some time with everyone there. I sure hope so! Until then, Take care and I sure miss you guys!

Thanks for being who you are!

2007-12-13T22:36:00.000-08:00

its been a very shocking week for me - not what one expects any time of the year but that is life. Today we buried my mother's first cousin Martha Gregory, who died in an alcohol related death very suddenly. While we were at the burial site we heard that Martha's sister-in-law was very sick and was about to be medivaced in to Bethel for a reason yet unknown to us. Tomorrow we will bury my mother's uncle Nick (Nickoliaq) Askoak, an elder who passed away after suffering a long term sickness. That it is finals week was not a very good addition to these events. Such is life as I know it - full of the unexpected, the expected and the usual obligations of our daily lives. I wanted to say thank you to all of you for the time and effort you put in everything you do. This week has reminded me how important it is to express our gratitude to others while we are able to...

Thank you everyone and Merry Christmas! I am glad I met you all and hope to see you again someday soon.
God Bless you!
Nastasia

Russian Mission ASAA Mixed Six Volleyball Champions!!

2007-12-10T01:07:00.001-08:00

The Russian Mission Volleyball team ended a perfect year winning the ASAA Mixed-Six Volleyball championship game against New Halen. This is the third year the Russian Mission team made it to the state tournament and the first time winning a championship title! We are very proud of them! Kenneth Vaska and Nadia Duffy earning all-star recognition.

Russian Mission Volleyball team 2 - 0 in Tournament

2007-12-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

Our Team in Anchorage is doing very well - they got a spot in the news last night! My daughter's cousin Kenny Vaska and the others had us cheering and clapping in our living room. The internet made watching a bit blotchy and had us on edge for a few minutes throughout the games. The community has the opportunity to view the games at the gym. This is the third year in a row Russian Mission made it to State! Woo Hoo! All but one of our teachers went to provide additional support for our team.

I just had to mention also about the blog before this - clear up some confusion my shock and cauldron of emotion caused when I was writing. Such a provocative statement to say "a certain criteria of rightness." What I was trying to express was that society in general has a common rigidity of standards that for the most part we strive to live up to. Some are very fortunate to live up to those expectations, but some do not. The stigma that is superimposed as a consequence of not adhering to the standard of living can cause much distress and heartache for many of our youth. The good intentions of these standards are honorable, and such standards are needed as a visual of social "order" to some extent. Growing up, the standard was to live doing what was best for another - as a female member of our society in the Yup'ik tradition I was groomed to be a caregiver: help with chores, learn to provide childcare, learn to cook, attend to elder's needs... but at the same time I was groomed to try to find a career. My standards were very high... My time was at the mixed up time where the standards between Yup'ik tradition and western tradition mixed in the villages. Before the teenage years where this mixture was happening was in boarding schools outside the village. In a large part I believe this is what caused many suicides in times before, because both societies demand such rigid standards on their youth. Needed, but with such a long fall when we slide. Unlike nature where there is only one way a species lives, us humans have a kaleidoscope of living conditions. All I was trying to convey was that in my life I have learned that all I can do is try to live the best way I can and provide what love I have for all those God has given me to love, and deal with what life has given me to live with as best as I can, despite our conditions compared to societies high standards of living.

Trying to find the balance of values and caring

2007-12-04T09:50:00.000-08:00

In these last couple of days I have had a major metamorphosis in my personal identity that had me wondering. I went from a single mother of teenage girls who is trying to improve the home conditions and work conditions by earning a teaching degree, to a possible mother of an upcoming baby from a younger sister, and as of yesterday a confirmed grandmother-to-be! Talk about a major "whoa" moment. This made me think of the question of why we think of people, others and ourselves included, a certain way and the more important question WHY do we make the opinions we make based on certain criteria. Confusing? SO TOTALLY confusing!

I looked to myself and my feelings and the changes in my self identity. Okay, first came the shock that what I believed myself to be and where I knew I was heading toward took a serious turn, but to where? How much of what happened was due to my choices away from home? within the home? I gave myself some slack knowing I could never be spread so thinly in either and consider myself doing my job as mother or worker.

Now the other reality was the fact that my daughter was too afraid to tell me until the day before yesterday and her last known period was August 25th. How could I be angry when I was too unnerved at the thought that my child was afraid of me? Given, for a damn good reason, but still the thought of my daughter going into her fourth month of pregnancy without medical care because she is afraid of what I will say to her? I love my children, I try to do whatever I can to make their lives as comfortable as I can because in reality they don't have many of the advantages of living in a mom&pop family. This does not mean they are disadvantaged because we have a great big extended loving and caring family. My thoughts of the baby? I had to have hysterectomy at the age of 33. I love babies. I love my children. I love my nieces and nephews. I love the kids I get to know throughout my life. I heard the heartbeat of the baby about 5 minutes after it was confirmed that my baby was pregnant. I was in awe that a new life was nestled inside there given to us to love. Does the fact that she is so young change that fact? Will I love it less? No. I believe all life is a blessing. So what does that make me? Can we demand of life certain criteria of "rightness"? From my own life I know I cannot. Now what?

I spent yesterday morning calling my mother, my ex-husbands parents, my grandmother, my younger sister and brothers, telling my aunts and all my other family and friends while still in a semi-state of shock. I wanted to be the one to tell them, showing my trust in their support and knowing that this was the new reality in our lives, just as the reality was before that we could not live with my ex. One thing is for certain our new baby...or babies will have a lot of love surrounding them and that is all the reality I can handle right now. I just need to get comfortable to the name grandma...as I grow I am learning that numbers and names are not as old as they seemed as a youngster. 30 wasn't that old and neither is grandma. There is still a lot of love to live out there, and a lot of new things to learn!

A Very Wet n Windy World Out there!

2007-11-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

Those NYO kids came this week and swoosh came the wind and warm weather...down went the snow and out came the slush and puddles of water! The wind is still blowing away -harder than usual. So strongly last night it sounded like those special effects in a horror movie. The kids are having fun in the gym...I have not been able to make it down due to my homework...but my girls have a lot of great pictures which unfortunately are on the other computer.

My christmas wish for now is to NOT have to worry about slipping, or about someone falling through the ice...please Lord bring on the cold and let it snow for Christmas!!

Happy Holidays

2007-11-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays everyone! I was wanting to post this before the big turkey day but my internet was a bit off that day. I just wanted to say THANK YOU too all of you for being who you are and what you do in life. Winter is here and holiday season is speedily approaching. The decorating bug has bitten but I am refusing to give into it until I get my assignments done. been hard, its had my kids shaking their heads at my anticipation. The snow has been falling, people out fishing and trapping, kids riding and I am still stuck looking into what I first thought was a great computer course. I cannot WAIT until I get my failing grade for that class as long as I do not need to do research on the internet for hours to answer a one sentence question ever again! I am thankful that we have only a few more weeks of THAT class.

On a lighter note I am determined to complete my biology nutrition labwork now that the Thanksgiving feast is over with. :)) I almost started the three day "all you eat" list the day before Thanksgiving. I have a great family, great big family, with some great cooks who go all out during the holidays...writing the selection alone would give a fitness fanatic a heart attack. I couldn't do that to anyone. Its bad enough that I know its not all that healthy, I don't want to calculate just how much. I will try that for my new year resolution. It was a lot better when I was out doing stuff instead of staying home.

Wolves!!

2007-11-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

Ohh My GOODNESS! That was all I could say when we got a phone call from my niece that there was an announcement on Sunday night that the people who were "eeling" downriver heard wolves nearby. I was nervous, the men were excited and the kids were both nervous and excited...what a mixture! We are all on the watch for wolves around from all sides. The Grant Air pilot saw some coming up from the trail to Marshall last weekend, some trappers seen some tracks up around Tuckers Slough, and it is common for a lot to be around the tundra flats area between here and Kalskag. My brother was one of the few who went back down to listen to where they were and his descriptions sent chills up my spine. All I can say is I am glad for the excuse not to have my girls staying out after dark. The news does not stop those that happily go ice fishing and setting fish nets under the ice. My brother got a few fresh fish that I hope to have. Have a great Thanksgiving and enjoy this fresh falling snow!!

My little nephew bringing smiles

2007-11-14T00:05:00.001-08:00

My Nephew turned two in August...we didn't catch the really really want to squeeze him one...but this still makes us smile everytime we watch it...hope it brightens your days. Have a great week.

Proof of human's revolving door of evolution

2007-11-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many of you have heard the news of the wolves attacking Marshall's dog teams and the later verification that they were rabid. I do not like to magnify another's negative opinion especially when they themselves broadcast themselves so elequently that there is no need to amplify that negativity. However, when someone speaks of another group of people in such bad taste it makes me wonder about the revolving door of hatred toward others. To be fair I must first direct attention to the online comments in Fairbanks News Miner's article on the wolf attack, and the newsperson radio guy on the 18 year old who testified in congress. I do not know, nor do I want to know who it is that asked if the people here were Eskimos living in the 1800's...that is not the point of this blog. The statement in itself shows that somehow we as a people, as a human race have this progress of evolution where we believe we are past racism and blind derogatory distain toward those that are living differently than ourselves. Something happens in our lives - or in the lives of another place- that trample on our version of honor and integrity, and just like that we are back where we started. I was angered when I heard about what was said, because some people still sterotype others and publish these opinions without realizing how barbaric their remarks are. Yes, we natives have social problems as any other race or people. These are not racial issues they are social, economical and personal choices. It makes me sad to think that with each decline of economical recession these types of negativity only get worse, polarizing civilization...as it has for as long as history was written. When things get tough someone out there has to point a finger to another and say they are to blame.

In my ignorance of childhood it was great to believe for a while that our main goal in life was to do what was best for our family, fellow people and the environment we live in such that when we die, we do not leave a stain for our future generations. Today it sounds like such a fairytale...

So good to hear all of your voices!!

2007-11-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

WooHOO!! My ED 330 Presentation is finished! I can almost say "FREEDOM!" from the homework grinding mill. I'm so excited! Wish I weren't so tired! I know I know I know I just can't hide it! Okay back to work. I am feeling much better. Halloween was fun, the candy and gum are making me cringe everytime I see one of our kids hovering over their stashes...like I am not peeking to see what kind of treat I might want. I got another biology midterm to do...but celebrating finished and/or new accomplishments really help fuel ongoing assignments. I still have not totally learned how to be an fix-it-all in the boiler department, but I got the boiler to start by bleeding it. Not totally miss independence but nobody can be. It was so great to hear everyone today - all the presenters have such great projects and pictures...totally awesome!!! Can't wait to see everyone else's

Silent moments of reflection

2007-10-26T01:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe it was the news of fires and drought in California and Georgia, maybe it was the weird weather we are having, or the repeated drunkiness of my neighbor's son and his peers...maybe my being tired to the point that all assignments just could not progress... whereever it came from I began to look back. Not in terms of the usual "ok this is done, that is done, I need to check on this." but more like ... reflection on changes of how things got to be the way they are now, remembering my childhood and with it a nostalgic kalidiscope of loved ones who have passed away doing the things I remember them most doing, their visions floating and blending together in a strange dance. My grandpa sitting quietly in church in bench at "his corner," the old man who called me his sister because I was named after her always smiling holding his cane..many memories of childhood ... knowing that for the most part I was protected and cared for. I began to wonder how the memories of my children and the rest of the younger generation will be.

Sometimes I wonder why I get these moods - I cry for no apparent reason, sad and worried - like I am waiting to hear some tragic news. Sometimes I am a little afraid because when accompanied by little squabbles and bouts of negativeness around me that kinda pile together in my life, each seeming more profound than it should be it usually is not a good "sign." Usually not long after I get this sudden sadness I hear of someone else passing away. An elder said in those times a prayer is needed somewhere only one never knows for who or why, so pray. Pray for everyone and everything because although I may not know the who, why or what - God will. I pray that all those I know are in God's protection. God be with you.

Stretching between two traditional obligations

2007-10-20T01:24:00.000-07:00

The harder the tribulations, the greater the rewards - right? Isn't that the saying? All I can say is that there better be a great big clean house with well stocked grub, nice patio, a nice boat, motor, snowmachine and all othe machines at the end of my journey! with all the gas, diesel and wood I would ever need.

The need to fulfill kinship and gender roles and all obligations of being who we are is an ingrained unconcious habit when growing up that can affect a lot of ones daily life. Over time when one performs such obligations others expect it out of habit. Unknowingly they can later put pressure upon fulfilling those obligations...maybe knowingly too...either way that push is felt.

LIke the day my grandfather, now 89, comes up to my house and after saying hi as I was in the middle of one of my assignments that was due, patiently sits until I realized that it was his lunch hour, and him being my elder, family member, and visitor I was supposed to have already been in the kitchen making him something to eat, and boiling some water for tea even before he reached a chair to sit on.

Now, the westernized side of my mind is mentally screaming "I don't have time for this right now." and the other side is scolding "how could you think like that?" I have been having those types of contraditions in what I need to do and what I should do, that clash together like two male rams during the rut and a headache to prove it. The mental "you need to choose this because it is the right thing to do" on both sides make me feel just as guilty for choosing the other that there is no winning, no calm reassurance...

I don't know whether to rejoice or cry the fact that the semester is halfway over already. In the meantime my house is messy, my grandpa has yet another appointment that he will refuse to go to unless I escort him, my sister is leaving for AFN and has "no one else to watch the kids" because her husband needs the security of being with her to witness for himself that she will not cheat on him - even she has never cheated or looked at anyone since they started seeing each other. (possibly he is thinking if I did that, she will too "huh?) Oh I won't even go there. There is a belief in karma we follow that restricts my venting at this stage.

I pretty much resigned to the fact that I am getting a failing grade in my CIOS class so that my other classes will do well. I even began to yearn for the times when I just had a job even it payed just enough to get by, yet I was able to do so much for those that expected it and at the end of the day I didn't have anything hanging over my head like a black cloud of unfinished duties glaring at me with disapproval and snapping eyes.

my video attempt to put here...

2007-10-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

putting my video here again...i deleted my first try after seeing the other myspace video titles...
undefined Sense of Russian Mission

Add to My Profile | More Videos

wanting to share some smiles

2007-10-12T02:23:00.000-07:00

Here are the pictures I wanted to share with you...have a great weekend. My cousin is getting married this weekend so I am burning the midnight oil on my assignments. Happy snowdays to you all - looks like its here to stay huh?

Blogging in the dark

2007-10-10T00:47:00.000-07:00

What goes around comes around - The Boss Bruce Springsteen has his hits of my teenage years in itunes..I seen Sad'e on the Today show I think...and I am at my parents house trying not to be too loud since my parents have retired for the night. Its been a long time since I have spent more than a few hurried hours with them and these past two days have been very good for my soul. My youngest two daughters and I came yesterday evening for eye appointments. The eye doctor is at Russian Mission but they don't do contacts on village exams. Dividend time is the only time we can afford the $188 RT ticket and $50 per box contacts for the girls. Also its a great time to get clothes since we got a little extra this year.
Maxine and my dad Alex S. Nick, he works for US Fish and Wildlife
It was Maxine's 17th birthday so we got a cake and my mom made some spaghetti and basically we got ourselves stuffed. I put some of my mom's old classic country on the computer...I am eye-ing my mom's plant clippings to add to the three I have at home.

Just needing to vent

2007-10-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

When it rains, it pours! Something that was said to appy to times such as mine. I finally got the CD-R I needed to put start up Boot Camp Beta, only to realize I didn't have a product code number. I bought WIndows XP Servicd pack 2 in 2004 online and got the backup disk. It had the number on the package which has now gone missing. Luckily my neighbor had an extra product code that he was willing to give me. Thank God for good neighbors! If only he did not decide that today was the day he is going to get wood, leaving me hovering near the window in hopes to see him on the street.

My CIOS 110 class (Managing, maintaining and troubleshooting software specializing in Windows XP) still looks like its being flushed down the toilet. The things I need to do are about as comfortable as it would be to jam your hand into the toilet bowl to retrieve what you need to save, clean it up and yourself and see if everything still works good. I spent a few hours updating my laptop to make sure everything is up-tp-date. I spent a whole day trying to download the program (which takes just over 5 hours to download without any outages). I had an outage just after it reached halfway, if not two-thirds of the way. So I started over, only to get "disk failed to burn." I was still optimistic, and with good reason - the dividends are just around the bend and I will finally be able to get a couch.

It must be my time to be through the wringer or mud or whatever dirty rotten smelly part of luck or fate or destiny or cake/bed I made that I now have to eat/sleep in... yea - it felt about as bad as it sounds. The bank called me about the loan I helped my brother get for a snowmachine back in 2003. I am normally really good about telling others that I have enough financial troubles being a single mother of three without adding to it. I had a pretty good credit, bought a 4 wheeler a while back, and was able to help my second-youngest brother with a loan for a computer, which he paid and just had the account in my name. So my second-oldest brother (I have 4 brothers all younger than I, all in a row) comes up to me and says he needs help getting a loan for a snow machine in 2003. "We need it so I can get wood. I will get some for you too if the loan is approved. We will put one dividend down and pay the rest - I am working and my wife is working, but we can't get the loan on our own." Red flags? YES, for me too. I said "I don't think they will let me, I might be going back to college soon." This is where one would see the pleading eye syndrome and hear the words "Just try it, it won't hurt. You won't have to pay anything." Smell trouble heading my way? Big understatement. To make an already long version of my short story I paid. Now the bank is taking my dividend to pay off the rest of my loan. Yea, I cried, I called him. I got excuses. I was asked to call my parents in Bethel to get them to put a for sale sign up to sell his truck (that my parents have been using since June when my brother came for a funeral and stayed.) I am stuck with the remains of a snow machine that guzzles gas and needs more parts, which neither me nor my family has been able to use that no one wants to buy for anywhere close to the money that was taken from my funds.... sad - I don't feel like I have hit rock bottom yet because I still see so many other challenges this semester. I need prayers, I need strength..... At least now for alll y'all out there you can say "I know I have it bad, but not as bad as she does." That will be my silver lining -knowing that no one else has to go through what I am going through. Those brght sides of life sure are shrinking.

First the relief, then the confusion and anitcipation

2007-09-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

Hey there! Amazing I am not posting this blog in the middle of the night as my other posts have been! Progress? Yes! I have finally upgraded my computer at home from an old Gateway (bought about 10 years ago by my brother, who sold it to another brother, who gave it to my father, who lent it to me in 2003 when I started taking classes again while working at the school). Now I have a brand spanking new iMac! All I can say is WOOOOWWEEEEEE I am impressed! My daughters are now frowning at me everytime they are home asking, "When will you be done with your homework?" It is cause for a lot of smiles, laughs (they love the photobooth) and some frowns when they are not on the computer. I think I will do another slideshow to show you guys the funny pictures.

Skip - If you don't mind emailing me on the how-to's of installing windows into here - I need it for my CIOS class. If I had windows in my old computer can I use the installation disk for this? I am so confused with the limitations and extentions of programs. I know I used to have the product code with three - I think - different sets of numbers in it that may have gotten lost when i moved back home. Do I need to buy a new package? I don't know where to start and with my class already past the "lets get this started" stage I don't have much time to set this up without lagging too far behind.

This is my first Mac and since I got this my brother has said "yup, I think I am getting me one too." It takes some getting used to but its not as hard to adjust as I thought. In preparation of my internship year I have also invested in a MacBookPro that just came in today. A big thing getting both at once but I think its worth it.

Seeking Brightness and Harmony

2007-09-20T03:17:00.000-07:00

As I list and relist my priorities and attempt to rejuvinate my motivation I closed my eyes and pictured a clear blue sky with a bright beam of sunlight warming my face... In one of my moments of doubt I realized one of the reasons why I was able to do so much as a teenager was that I was never told that what I was doing was impossible. I knew things were challenging but I looked at each assignment and duty and knew in my heart I could do a good job - a great job with attention to detail and that was all that mattered. During this past week I have allowed a tiny dent to my consentration and had a moment of stalling, a few cases of computer freeze-ups right in the middle of an elluminate live session, a text book delay that the bookstore "lost," but with the things I could control there is progress. I needed to write it somewhere that I will trust Him to continue to guide my general direction of where I am going and concentrate on the little duties I have in front of me. As long as I have that ray of sunshine in my mind to calm my senses I am good for now. One of these days I will get someone to paint my office into a nice mountainous scene with a blue sky... well back to details.

Correction on Panraven story link and a word of caution when reading articles

2007-09-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

First here is my corrected link to Panraven:
http://www.panraven.com/mylife/ViewStory.epage?sp=102707

I would like to caution those that read articles of places or people they are unfamiliar with to see who the author of the article is and have an idea of the level of "marketability" the author is aiming for.
For example there was an Article that Skip references to in his comment on my first blog of today that has a few major misrepresentations that I would like to address: 1. The picture on the top of the set of three pictures is not anywhere near our village or region. 2. Russian Mission has regular scheduled flights by a number of airlines daily into the village - we are not accessible only by charter. 3. Our land is very similar to Fairbanks in the summer - we do not have a lime green carpet of moss and lichen on our land. 4. The Yukon River is not clear blue- it is a big river with a lot of sediment, so it is actually brown. 5. Youth suicide in Russian Mission is not yet a problem in our village. To date we have had two suicides by adults. God willing that will be the only ones. 6. Our village has more than one road.

As in any other research, looking at a variety of sources is necessary to get the gist of what is written. The author was not from Alaska, and the focus of the article was to embellish the projects to get more funding for the grant used.

Subsistence, School and Rain

2007-09-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

Good Day to you all, I hope this blog finds you all dry and organized. I say this because the rain outside is really putting a puddle into my enjoyment of our season. It is so soggy out there!! The wind and rain has prevented us from going out to subsist and its put a real damper to my mood. Speaking of subsistence and school Skip has asked us to comment on how the schools relate to it.
Since my childhood the policy of excused and unexcused absences have sort of made full circle. When I was in elementary school in the 1970's we were allowed to go with our families for fall and spring camp, although not many families regularly participated in those migrations by that time. I can remember two or three families that did that every year and a few that decided to go out one year. In the late 70's to early 80's the policy was gradually reduced at a point to less and less absences were allowed. I can remember in the late 90's to today a student is formally allowed up to 5 excused absences over a school year - NOT SPECIFIC TO SUBSISTENCE - but encompassing everything from sickness, medical appointments, family emergencies to subsistence activities. Do not quote me on this because I have been away for about 4 years from my Home School position,and even while working in school this has varied so much that I could not state the current policy without having it in front of me to read. Having said that - the Russian Mission School has for many years reconnected many children to subsistence activities in a very direct manner. Not many schools will actually have class time in a camp setting, or have the students physically help catch fish for the school and community, or many other various subsistence activities.

Regardless of the high technical and modern aspects of our communities we live many many miles away from others and most of our nutritional resources are all around us. Even compared with other villages in the region, our ability to travel to the more urban areas take longer than most. We don't have huge stores with wide varieties of groceries brought to us from all over the world, and even if we did the prices for those products would be very high due in large part to shipping and handling. We can't sit and wait for someone to actually bring those things to us. We do have local stores that offer basic needs - flour, sugar, salt, oil... These are brought to us by airplanes, sent "bypass mail" and the cost of shipping and handling is added to the price you see at the store. Some families order their own groceries, but we do not all rely on this outside source for sustenance.Frankly I don't know of many people who would want to be in that position.

The school recognizes that - and also recognizes that the nutritional value of what we have subsisted on is higher than processed food. Throughout the seasons there is something to gather that is better for ones health than what can be found in the stores. I thank the school for their program, one that does not attempt to ignore or look down on our activities but rather highlight and join in our harvesting and desire to pass the skills and knowledge needed to gather these resources to the younger generation.

For a detailed review of the local school's activities, Google Russian Mission School subsistence. Although I know the basics of what they do, I am not in a position to accurately report what they are doing. I can say that they strive to continue with close consultation and participation of the local community and have a group of elders who come in regularly to help guide the students in their educational studies. Throughout the years this has made the school a part of the community and not a place next to it.

Sense of Russian Mission Movie Project

2007-09-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

After hours - maybe DAYS of trying to upload my movie into blogger I called up my neighbor to use his internet service and successfully uploaded the video on myspace after unsuccessfully attempting to upload it into here.

As it is I am just glad to get it in cyberspace as proof that I did do the assignment, even if it doesn't show up here.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=17563140

My Sense Of Place Book Russian Mission

2007-09-06T02:14:00.000-07:00

Here is the link to my sense of Russian Mission. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing to focus not on the actual village but what my family and I do in and around the village. I am sorry some of the pictures had low resolution. I did not have the time to go and find better captions of the same shot. I would love to go back and add a lot more chapters and put more detail in later on...who knows - it shows some potential to being a great way to portray what we do here in the "wilderness" of Alaska. Now we can say "See - no IGLOOS, no penguins"

http://www.panraven.com/tellstory/ShareStory.epage?sp=S30524

2007-09-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

Here is my Sense of Russian Mission slideshow project. I did not know we had to put titles on the slideshow and do not know how that could be done

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

ok, I got a headache - help

2007-08-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

Is it just me? I have been trying to open up the Panraven website and log on to finish up my story and slideshow but I cannot get in. After getting some of my ed 330 homework done, I am now going to get the movie requirement done. I think I better check on the revised requirements on blackboard. I will be taking the two classes we have and human biology and CIOS 110 - which will help a lot in my future associations with computers. :D Goodness knows I need to know more on computers than I do now! In my personal life after some nice days out berry picking, I unexpectedly had to escort my grandpa to Bethel last Wednesday. He was experiencing numbness in his right hand and slight weakness. Being 89 years old and having past chronic heart, lung and other problems the doctors decided that a CAT scan was in order and we found ourselves in Anchorage until yesterday. He is doing well, and I am now determined to at least finish most of the assignments before the other classes get started. My girls are camping in the annual school camping trips but should be back tomorrow. I have saved the floor and sorting out the clothes for them. :P If anyone has any ideas on how I can get into Panraven let me know..thanks. Hope all is well in your areas and enjoy the season!

My first week home

2007-08-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have been home for a week now and I can't believe how fast time flies!! I know I still need to do school work, yet I have this overwhelming need to feel the wind on my face after our two weeks in class. My girls got some of the housework done, thank goodness...I am so sore from putting away dried fish and going picking but its a good "I did something" kind of soreness. The kind that makes me wish I had my teenage body back - the one that didn't get sore or tired from a little hard work. I got this montra in my head "I WILL do homework, I will ...after I do this first, but I will...I promise." Sad huh? :)) My brothers are going out hunting for moose now and we are trying to harvest some berries now that our fish is packed away. Hope all y'all are having better luck in keeping up with the classwork. Miss talking to you and have a great summer- what is left of it.

Reflections on the Intensive Technology Class Week

2007-08-11T17:17:00.000-07:00

Life is all the more exciting when one finds new toys to play with! I was amazed that we learned as much in our intensive technology class as we did in just five days! The movie maker and book maker were my top two new "toys" I can see spending hours upon hours working with. Panraven is such a neat website! I was so wishing I had my pictures at home. I really want the kids to be able to use this website to create their own little books in my classroom once I have a classroom. I doubt they will be as eager to start as I was but I am sure they will be close - and just imagine their enthusiasm when presenting this to their parents and community! I want to make another movie ...heck movie-S-S-S once I get a camera in hand...of the community, my family...the possibilities are endless!!! I feel like a kid with brand spanking new "just-out-of-the-box" toys I never knew I was dreaming of! I enjoyed the powerpoint activities and I am so grateful to learn of the google "plus, minus, quote" thing - that makes searching so much more effective! the blog sites for everyone is a great way to keep in touch. Favorites saver delicious thing is a very useful tool that i am glad to have been introduced to...I am glad to have met everyone during the class and I hope to see you all sometime soon. Its been a great week. The only regret is that I have to wait until Monday to see my family again.

My treasures

2007-08-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Here are my children

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.

I didn't have many of the pictures I wanted for this

Inspiration and powerpoint in the classroom

2007-08-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

Just recently I have been introduced to inspiration, a writing tool that makes the brainstorming and organization of an essay assignment a lot faster than doing things on paper (the old style as some say). The other program powerpoint, which I have known about but have not used as often as I would like, that makes presentation visuals more elegant and fun. I was asked to reflect on these programs from my instructor...I may have anyways here if I was used to putting my thoughts out in cyberspace.

(ok - this first paragraph just blares out the range you may find me in years- I don't mind. For those that do not know I am 36 years old with three teenage kids, a single parent earning my degree sometimes by sheer stubbornness. I believe there should be more teachers out there that want to make a difference in the quality of education in Alaska and strive for it.) OK, no more philosophy - back to the assignment:

I believe that using inspiration is a great tool. For those that despise the formal writing process and oftentimes just write without much organization this program gives a fun method of organization practice and in time skill. One may feel like its not work at all, that it is just play. If one may want to start younger this would be a good visual tool to show the kids how to use bubbles, how to use an outline and how each relates to the other. I would still like the kids to do something on paper. Penmanship is also an important skill.

Powerpoint is a great tool that most presenters use in the screens. One can incorporate personal pictures, charts, and animation to embellish the quality of their presentation and the interest of their audience. I believe it is already well known and is often the standard method of using visuals. The actual creation of powerpoint is fun, yet needs higher thinking skills so the grade level in a student creating his/her own powerpoint presentation would possibly start in the 5th grade. This is wholly dependent on the skills of the actual classroom.

I personally will find ways of using this in the classroom for various activities. I will not make it a totally technology dependent class due to the limited abilities of Rural schools.

Big HELLO from Rural Alaska

2007-08-06T14:52:00.001-07:00

Hi My name is Nastasia from Alaska! My tiny spot of the world is Russian Mission, a village of about 300 people on the banks of the lower end of the mighty Yukon River. I am an Alaskan Native, Central Yup'ik. Sadly I myself do not speak the language. This blog is a test, it is only a test...in the event that this was an authentic blog entry ... just playin. In my other blogs I will have a little more information pertaining to who I am and why I chose teaching in Rural Alaska, and some of my struggles of obtaining my degree. Until then...Best wishes to you all and if you have tips on my comments, opinions...I want YOU... to participate and drop a few lines :D