Silent moments of reflection

Maybe it was the news of fires and drought in California and Georgia, maybe it was the weird weather we are having, or the repeated drunkiness of my neighbor's son and his peers...maybe my being tired to the point that all assignments just could not progress... whereever it came from I began to look back. Not in terms of the usual "ok this is done, that is done, I need to check on this." but more like ... reflection on changes of how things got to be the way they are now, remembering my childhood and with it a nostalgic kalidiscope of loved ones who have passed away doing the things I remember them most doing, their visions floating and blending together in a strange dance. My grandpa sitting quietly in church in bench at "his corner," the old man who called me his sister because I was named after her always smiling holding his cane..many memories of childhood ... knowing that for the most part I was protected and cared for. I began to wonder how the memories of my children and the rest of the younger generation will be.

Sometimes I wonder why I get these moods - I cry for no apparent reason, sad and worried - like I am waiting to hear some tragic news. Sometimes I am a little afraid because when accompanied by little squabbles and bouts of negativeness around me that kinda pile together in my life, each seeming more profound than it should be it usually is not a good "sign." Usually not long after I get this sudden sadness I hear of someone else passing away. An elder said in those times a prayer is needed somewhere only one never knows for who or why, so pray. Pray for everyone and everything because although I may not know the who, why or what - God will. I pray that all those I know are in God's protection. God be with you.

Stretching between two traditional obligations

The harder the tribulations, the greater the rewards - right? Isn't that the saying? All I can say is that there better be a great big clean house with well stocked grub, nice patio, a nice boat, motor, snowmachine and all othe machines at the end of my journey! with all the gas, diesel and wood I would ever need.

The need to fulfill kinship and gender roles and all obligations of being who we are is an ingrained unconcious habit when growing up that can affect a lot of ones daily life. Over time when one performs such obligations others expect it out of habit. Unknowingly they can later put pressure upon fulfilling those obligations...maybe knowingly too...either way that push is felt.

LIke the day my grandfather, now 89, comes up to my house and after saying hi as I was in the middle of one of my assignments that was due, patiently sits until I realized that it was his lunch hour, and him being my elder, family member, and visitor I was supposed to have already been in the kitchen making him something to eat, and boiling some water for tea even before he reached a chair to sit on.

Now, the westernized side of my mind is mentally screaming "I don't have time for this right now." and the other side is scolding "how could you think like that?" I have been having those types of contraditions in what I need to do and what I should do, that clash together like two male rams during the rut and a headache to prove it. The mental "you need to choose this because it is the right thing to do" on both sides make me feel just as guilty for choosing the other that there is no winning, no calm reassurance...

I don't know whether to rejoice or cry the fact that the semester is halfway over already. In the meantime my house is messy, my grandpa has yet another appointment that he will refuse to go to unless I escort him, my sister is leaving for AFN and has "no one else to watch the kids" because her husband needs the security of being with her to witness for himself that she will not cheat on him - even she has never cheated or looked at anyone since they started seeing each other. (possibly he is thinking if I did that, she will too "huh?) Oh I won't even go there. There is a belief in karma we follow that restricts my venting at this stage.

I pretty much resigned to the fact that I am getting a failing grade in my CIOS class so that my other classes will do well. I even began to yearn for the times when I just had a job even it payed just enough to get by, yet I was able to do so much for those that expected it and at the end of the day I didn't have anything hanging over my head like a black cloud of unfinished duties glaring at me with disapproval and snapping eyes.

my video attempt to put here...

putting my video here again...i deleted my first try after seeing the other myspace video titles...
undefined Sense of Russian Mission



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wanting to share some smiles

Here are the pictures I wanted to share with you...have a great weekend. My cousin is getting married this weekend so I am burning the midnight oil on my assignments. Happy snowdays to you all - looks like its here to stay huh?

Blogging in the dark

What goes around comes around - The Boss Bruce Springsteen has his hits of my teenage years in itunes..I seen Sad'e on the Today show I think...and I am at my parents house trying not to be too loud since my parents have retired for the night. Its been a long time since I have spent more than a few hurried hours with them and these past two days have been very good for my soul. My youngest two daughters and I came yesterday evening for eye appointments. The eye doctor is at Russian Mission but they don't do contacts on village exams. Dividend time is the only time we can afford the $188 RT ticket and $50 per box contacts for the girls. Also its a great time to get clothes since we got a little extra this year.
Maxine and my dad Alex S. Nick, he works for US Fish and Wildlife
It was Maxine's 17th birthday so we got a cake and my mom made some spaghetti and basically we got ourselves stuffed. I put some of my mom's old classic country on the computer...I am eye-ing my mom's plant clippings to add to the three I have at home.

Just needing to vent

When it rains, it pours! Something that was said to appy to times such as mine. I finally got the CD-R I needed to put start up Boot Camp Beta, only to realize I didn't have a product code number. I bought WIndows XP Servicd pack 2 in 2004 online and got the backup disk. It had the number on the package which has now gone missing. Luckily my neighbor had an extra product code that he was willing to give me. Thank God for good neighbors! If only he did not decide that today was the day he is going to get wood, leaving me hovering near the window in hopes to see him on the street.

My CIOS 110 class (Managing, maintaining and troubleshooting software specializing in Windows XP) still looks like its being flushed down the toilet. The things I need to do are about as comfortable as it would be to jam your hand into the toilet bowl to retrieve what you need to save, clean it up and yourself and see if everything still works good. I spent a few hours updating my laptop to make sure everything is up-tp-date. I spent a whole day trying to download the program (which takes just over 5 hours to download without any outages). I had an outage just after it reached halfway, if not two-thirds of the way. So I started over, only to get "disk failed to burn." I was still optimistic, and with good reason - the dividends are just around the bend and I will finally be able to get a couch.

It must be my time to be through the wringer or mud or whatever dirty rotten smelly part of luck or fate or destiny or cake/bed I made that I now have to eat/sleep in... yea - it felt about as bad as it sounds. The bank called me about the loan I helped my brother get for a snowmachine back in 2003. I am normally really good about telling others that I have enough financial troubles being a single mother of three without adding to it. I had a pretty good credit, bought a 4 wheeler a while back, and was able to help my second-youngest brother with a loan for a computer, which he paid and just had the account in my name. So my second-oldest brother (I have 4 brothers all younger than I, all in a row) comes up to me and says he needs help getting a loan for a snow machine in 2003. "We need it so I can get wood. I will get some for you too if the loan is approved. We will put one dividend down and pay the rest - I am working and my wife is working, but we can't get the loan on our own." Red flags? YES, for me too. I said "I don't think they will let me, I might be going back to college soon." This is where one would see the pleading eye syndrome and hear the words "Just try it, it won't hurt. You won't have to pay anything." Smell trouble heading my way? Big understatement. To make an already long version of my short story I paid. Now the bank is taking my dividend to pay off the rest of my loan. Yea, I cried, I called him. I got excuses. I was asked to call my parents in Bethel to get them to put a for sale sign up to sell his truck (that my parents have been using since June when my brother came for a funeral and stayed.) I am stuck with the remains of a snow machine that guzzles gas and needs more parts, which neither me nor my family has been able to use that no one wants to buy for anywhere close to the money that was taken from my funds.... sad - I don't feel like I have hit rock bottom yet because I still see so many other challenges this semester. I need prayers, I need strength..... At least now for alll y'all out there you can say "I know I have it bad, but not as bad as she does." That will be my silver lining -knowing that no one else has to go through what I am going through. Those brght sides of life sure are shrinking.