In these last couple of days I have had a major metamorphosis in my personal identity that had me wondering. I went from a single mother of teenage girls who is trying to improve the home conditions and work conditions by earning a teaching degree, to a possible mother of an upcoming baby from a younger sister, and as of yesterday a confirmed grandmother-to-be! Talk about a major "whoa" moment. This made me think of the question of why we think of people, others and ourselves included, a certain way and the more important question WHY do we make the opinions we make based on certain criteria. Confusing? SO TOTALLY confusing!
I looked to myself and my feelings and the changes in my self identity. Okay, first came the shock that what I believed myself to be and where I knew I was heading toward took a serious turn, but to where? How much of what happened was due to my choices away from home? within the home? I gave myself some slack knowing I could never be spread so thinly in either and consider myself doing my job as mother or worker.
Now the other reality was the fact that my daughter was too afraid to tell me until the day before yesterday and her last known period was August 25th. How could I be angry when I was too unnerved at the thought that my child was afraid of me? Given, for a damn good reason, but still the thought of my daughter going into her fourth month of pregnancy without medical care because she is afraid of what I will say to her? I love my children, I try to do whatever I can to make their lives as comfortable as I can because in reality they don't have many of the advantages of living in a mom&pop family. This does not mean they are disadvantaged because we have a great big extended loving and caring family. My thoughts of the baby? I had to have hysterectomy at the age of 33. I love babies. I love my children. I love my nieces and nephews. I love the kids I get to know throughout my life. I heard the heartbeat of the baby about 5 minutes after it was confirmed that my baby was pregnant. I was in awe that a new life was nestled inside there given to us to love. Does the fact that she is so young change that fact? Will I love it less? No. I believe all life is a blessing. So what does that make me? Can we demand of life certain criteria of "rightness"? From my own life I know I cannot. Now what?
I spent yesterday morning calling my mother, my ex-husbands parents, my grandmother, my younger sister and brothers, telling my aunts and all my other family and friends while still in a semi-state of shock. I wanted to be the one to tell them, showing my trust in their support and knowing that this was the new reality in our lives, just as the reality was before that we could not live with my ex. One thing is for certain our new baby...or babies will have a lot of love surrounding them and that is all the reality I can handle right now. I just need to get comfortable to the name grandma...as I grow I am learning that numbers and names are not as old as they seemed as a youngster. 30 wasn't that old and neither is grandma. There is still a lot of love to live out there, and a lot of new things to learn!
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