The harder the tribulations, the greater the rewards - right? Isn't that the saying? All I can say is that there better be a great big clean house with well stocked grub, nice patio, a nice boat, motor, snowmachine and all othe machines at the end of my journey! with all the gas, diesel and wood I would ever need.
The need to fulfill kinship and gender roles and all obligations of being who we are is an ingrained unconcious habit when growing up that can affect a lot of ones daily life. Over time when one performs such obligations others expect it out of habit. Unknowingly they can later put pressure upon fulfilling those obligations...maybe knowingly too...either way that push is felt.
LIke the day my grandfather, now 89, comes up to my house and after saying hi as I was in the middle of one of my assignments that was due, patiently sits until I realized that it was his lunch hour, and him being my elder, family member, and visitor I was supposed to have already been in the kitchen making him something to eat, and boiling some water for tea even before he reached a chair to sit on.
Now, the westernized side of my mind is mentally screaming "I don't have time for this right now." and the other side is scolding "how could you think like that?" I have been having those types of contraditions in what I need to do and what I should do, that clash together like two male rams during the rut and a headache to prove it. The mental "you need to choose this because it is the right thing to do" on both sides make me feel just as guilty for choosing the other that there is no winning, no calm reassurance...
I don't know whether to rejoice or cry the fact that the semester is halfway over already. In the meantime my house is messy, my grandpa has yet another appointment that he will refuse to go to unless I escort him, my sister is leaving for AFN and has "no one else to watch the kids" because her husband needs the security of being with her to witness for himself that she will not cheat on him - even she has never cheated or looked at anyone since they started seeing each other. (possibly he is thinking if I did that, she will too "huh?) Oh I won't even go there. There is a belief in karma we follow that restricts my venting at this stage.
I pretty much resigned to the fact that I am getting a failing grade in my CIOS class so that my other classes will do well. I even began to yearn for the times when I just had a job even it payed just enough to get by, yet I was able to do so much for those that expected it and at the end of the day I didn't have anything hanging over my head like a black cloud of unfinished duties glaring at me with disapproval and snapping eyes.
2 comments:
Nastasia, reading your posts is like reading a chapter of a novel that I just can't put down. I can hardly wait for the next chapter to show up in Google Reader.
I am sure of one thing--there are some very lucky students out there who are going to have you as a teacher someday. Don't give up.
Nus, You are singing my song! I totoally understand that pull. I've been taking care of my mom through her illness and still trying to keep up with school but when my grandma would come to town my responsabilities doubled. After Mom's funeral I actually told my grandma "No." That I could not take her shopping. Believe me I had to wrestle with guilt although I knew it was the right thing to do for myself just then. My sympathies. Please forgive any spelling errors you find--without spell check I am hopeless. Theresa
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