A personal awakening

Sometimes in life one realizes issues in one's behavior that cause a great mental review of actions and, for me a "darn-it!!....okay I admit it. I need a change of priorities." I got to talk to a great, wise woman today in what started out as a would-be-very-brief apology for missing a memorial feed. Bottom line, I finally admitted to the fact that I feared hurting too much during the time we will eventually have to say our final goodbyes to my grandfather, so I tried to distance myself from him... I know. It is wrong, and in a big way unplanned, unintended, I just continued to use other things in my life as excuses to delay visiting, even when my conscience reminded me I didn't listen. When I finally went to see him I noticed he lost a lot of weight and family members said he sleeps most of the time. I cried a lot, but luckily he stayed asleep long enough for me to get ahold of my tears. One thing that was said to me today was "You're young its okay if you fall apart, you will recover. Your Ap'a is old and he needs his family with him during this time. Someone needs to be the one to get the family together during this time because it is a tough time. Its okay to get mad, sad, just as long as you be together with him you will not regret it. If you do fall apart afterwards, you have a big family that together will make it." I am so grateful for her advice and prayers. Thank you Bunny, you are a great role model and a wonderful mentor!

The Eels are close - maybe they will get some here this year

The annual Eel harvest is similar to the annual smelt harvesting in the Kuskokwim area: both happen within a few days once a year, both have the people buzzing with each other over where they are and when to expect them, but that is where it ends. Smelts are small fish, eels or lamphreys are well....eels. Smelts come in the spring right when the ice leaves the river and eels come in the fall after the first ice floats down the river. Smelts are on the Kuskokwim and eels travel up the Yukon.

There are many ways to cook eels. Some people bake them, some make eel soup. I have never quite gotten my mouth and stomach used of the taste of eels.

Grandpa may not make it to 92

This fall has been plagued by sickness here and in the region. I am thankfully recovering from a positive strep sore throat infection thanks to the wonderful, yet very prickly penicillin shot. The day before I had it I was shivering in bed so badly in the morning that I made a nice cozy fire in the stove and had everyone complaining about the heat as I bundled up yet another blanket and fell into deep sleep. It took a few days but my body and mind recovered - I really should say is recovering. Sadly I am not the worse case scenario in the family. My grandpa has not been feeling well, his heart is weakening. My extended family is here, well most of them to give comfort and support to him in this difficult time, of which I am thankful he is able to receive. One thing he told me recently was that he worried that he would "leave you in a bum way." He meant dying suddenly, without being able to say goodbye and have everyone emotionally ready for his departing this life. The old folks interpretations of good or bad always leave me pondering about life in so many ways. I am thankful his wishes have come true, he has had a long life with a large family. Not many people can say "My grandfather has lived to know my granddaughter." Still, it will be hard to see him leave. I pray that he finds peace in knowing we love him and will support each other to continue on our own journey with him near because he will always be close to our hearts. I have posted a picture of him with most of my father's lineage. I don't think we would have a way to get everyone included if we were all here. We would have needed a panoramic photo taken. Only in my dreams would that be possible... Still I want more with those we have here today, but I will not put my grandpa through that on account of his condition. Some things are just not meant to be I guess.

Heading to get some black and reds before hitting the books

The weather was not all that great but we had little time awailable to enjoy the out doors before their work and my homework and babysitting so we went upriver to check for berries. Our blueberries are scarce this year but raspberries and black and reds are plentiful. I have two classes to complete this semester. My daughter is attending HS so I am watching the two babies also. Tough with little ones but well worth it. GOd willing we will both successfully balance school and kids.

My 2009 berry picking tale

Most of my berry picking adventures deal with animals, specifically bears but nature trumped the animals this year. I was able to join my parents, brother Herman and sister Olga on a camping trip across Napakiak this year. First picture a 16 foot lund boat filled beyond capacity with camping and picking gear. To lighten the load we used their dome tent but still the poor 40 HP motor was pushed to the limit with all of us and a trip that would normally take about an hour took three and a half. We landed to the sound of cranes nearby. We put up the tent and as my mom was cooking, my sister and I took a short walk to see what we could find. The wind at the time was not bad...but by evening, wholly smokes was it really blowing! We took a walk and picked berries until about midnight and tried to settle down below the loud crackly sound of the tent's dome flap whipping in the wind. (this would be so much more exciting if I could add the sound here) By 4:30 AM we noticed that the wind was doing more damage to the tent's poles. One had snapped and tore the top. I heard later that the winds were gusting to 40MPH. We made a wind breaker and were able to sleep after about 30 minutes of tying off the broken section of the poles. The wind had not died down all the next day, which was maybe a good thing: No bugs. We got about 17 gallons altogether in two days, I got to bring home 6 gallons.

Rainy days, good for eliminating procrastination

Sometimes I notice delays tend to wait for me to finish up something I put aside until it is completed. For example the weather outside has been dismal, and after I had a bout of sickness I got so bored I started scanning the pictures I wanted for myself from my parents collection (some of which were mine from years ago). What do you know - the sun is peaking through the clouds. Maybe once I am done uploading them to a place I can retrieve them later we can actually go berrypicking. Speaking of berries, they seem late this year. I hope we get some because I am missing my girls. The picture added here is my grandfather with his wife Olga, my dad and his sister Nastasia

Happy belated 91st Birthday to Apa "Papasneak" Peter Nick

My eyes mist every time I see my grandfather "Ap'a Papasneak" Peter Nick pray thankfully before he blows out his birthday candles. This year he got discharged from the hospital after an episode of irregular heart beat and "A-Fib." His health in the past year has been a bit stable but about every month we are reminded that his condition will gradually decline. We are blessed to have him as long as we had...this year the great-grandchildren kept vigil at this bedside for a while as I finished cutting the chums and red salmon caught for drying at my parents fishcamp. The nurse asked during my session "where are his little grandchildren?" I replied smiling, "They are his great-grandchildren - I am one of his grandchildren." Her surprise was the normal response I am getting used to. Peter says his long life is due to his faith and active lifestyle and native foods.

Never fails the perfect moment for a good picture or camcorder and there is none to be found!!

I have been at my parent's camp for two days now with Nicholas and there was at least 4 times where Nicholas got us laughing and one of us would say "if only we had a camera or camcorder!" With him being a year old and just learning to walk on the uneven ground his expressions when he almost stumbled or the time he fell and decided it was a great place to lay around and feel the sand, getting head to toe dirty especially around his mouth where he has been drooling on account of his molars coming out...I just had to write it somewhere I will not forget when I get home. Now we are at my parents home in bethel washing clothes and getting more sets because apparently three pants in a day of a year old boy is not enough. If only I had pictures!

Drunks practically at your doorstep, sad fact of small villages

Sad, mad, loud, obnoxious young neighbor drunks mad at the world and everyone around them is not something I ever want to endure as I am trying to relax after a long day at work, yet this seems to be something I have to deal with yet again. In the past I have tried contacting the State Troopers with no response whatsoever. Russian Mission, like many other villages is a local option dry village, but every so often there are people who either buy bootleg alcohol or make home brew. Believe me it is nothing like the portrayal of people "partying the night away" that one sees on television where everyone is happy and relaxing. Most of the time they either end up sad and crying or mad and bitching away at anyone and everyone they see, both scenarios very loudly. Unlike the city where someone is able to take them away or one can walk away from the scene, in the village there is no where to go to and here in Russian Mission we do not have any peace officers -VPSO/VPO since our last one committed suicide. We end in a tragic cycle where gradually the drinking gets worse and worse, then a tragic death, then a period of relative quiet then gradually the drinking gets worse and worse...escalates, then another death. Sadly most do not learn from the previous tragedies..

Two times in as many days of being called old is so wrong!

Yesterday a small group of my family and I took advantage of the break of the rain and wind and went down river for a day of looking for wild rhubarbs and the annual spring picnic. My daughters were still abed as I was getting ready. During my third round to their bedrooms asking them if they were getting out of bed and joining us my daughter asked who was included in "us." I named my older sister Olga, younger sister Anita and her husband, Nicholas and whichever kids they are bringing along. That was when Maxine gripped "I am not going if there are only you old people." Ohh I was so annoyed! The nerve of her calling me old! I quickly gave her daughter back to her and said, "you better stay up, I am leaving now - OLD PEOPLE - humph!" She ended up reaching the boat just before me due to most of the workers not showing up until after two... I had a blast climbing the cliffs and enjoying the view and company of my family.

This afternoon the family reminded each other of Olga's upcoming birthday. My sister Anita asked how old she is and made a face when I said 41, asking if that meant that my parents will celebrate their 42nd or 40th anniversary this year. I shook my head at her and stated 42nd. Later my girls were making comments like "only 9 more years and she will be half a century." I am two years younger than she is and I was shaking my head. Of course I could not blame them for doing something I did at 18. I distinctly remember thinking my aunt as such a wise elder of 28 during my first year of college. As I grew I would reflect on that thinking, "this does not feel as old as i thought it was - I still feel more like a teenager than an adult." Oh well - such is life. Here is to all us "young fellas" who still kinda have a kid inside somewhere. I am so not THAT old!!! LOL

These days are nothing like the old days...or was I just not paying attention?

One thing I distinctly remember mumbling to myself as I got lectured was that I would not tell my kids "You have it so easy, why are you griping?!" The city has no funds for a VPSO/VPO and the kids are staying up later and later here. Also, there are a few people with vehicles who have no qualms about joyriding round and round the town way into the early morning hours, like tonight...or this morning however you want to see 2:20 AM. I gave up on sleeping because between the dog howling that sounds more like some person wailing in drunkenness or extreme despair than an animal, the loud ATV and motorbike and the occasional vague impression of some one's conversations outside I cannot relax. During these times I wonder how the village's internal clock got so hay wired that people think 2 AM is a great time to take a ride through the town. I admit as a teenager I occasionally stayed out late walking the few roads we have but we would never be so disrespectful of our elders or others to be loud enough to disturb their slumber. I find myself shaking my head because I now know how my parents and grandparents felt as they scolded me about staying out late, something I never thought would happen. I think I need a break from the village...a nice boat ride to get some wild rhubarbs should do it, weather permitting. Oh how I miss our fish camp downriver! The peace and quiet. (Darn, I sound more and more like my parents)

Worries keeping me up, along with reflections...

My sister-in-law called me this evening saying my grandfather was not feeling well and wanted us to come down. After a bit Nicholas and I went down despite him being tired. My Ap'a is 90 and 10 months, and according to the age he gives others he feels a lot older than that. (He told my mom he was 101 years old). His health has been on a roller coaster lately. My mind tells me that he won't be with us forever and we are so lucky to have him, and to have him healthy for as long as we have had him but my heart still cringes at the thought of losing him. We, grandkids and great-grandkids have been closer to him than his kids growing up. The adults try to tell each other comforting things like reflecting how blessed we are, the great-grandkids don't want to even mention that he has been old for a good twenty years... I can relate because the kid in me doesn't want to accept that either. When I really look at him lately I can't help noticing how greatly he has aged even within this past year. Tonight we also heard that his brother-in-law/first cousin was medivac'd into Bethel because his heart slowed down. He is our "Big Ap'a" a name we grew up associating with Alexander Isaac since childhood such that even my kids call him Big Apa. I know I am so fortunate to have known my grandparents for as long as I have and they have been able to watch my kids grow up...kinda grow up. Even seen my grandchild, I am just sad and worried that when it comes time to say "we will be good, don't worry about us." that I will mean it. I know we will be okay....they have taught us well by their examples. They love God above all else and love us with their whole hearts, always guiding us through and showing us how to live "like a true human being," caring for others with patience, love, understanding and kindness.

2009 another year of the flood...and I am missing the adventures!

My daughter Maxine is having the time of her life this spring enjoying the unique activities that the spring flood has brought. She has canoed the airstrip, tried catching ducks with a 22, took a ride to the watertower hill to take pictures of the lower village, coming home will all kinds of awesome stories while I sit exhausted from working. lol it is not as bad as that but I still could not help wishing I was able to do some of those things. My aunt, the store manager is sick and I am subbing for her. Don't get me wrong I love the fact that I am earning some money but I don't know of anyone who would trade working in a building with no windows to canoeing what a week ago was dry land or taking a ride to a hillside and enjoying the view. Ahh....the joys of adult responsibilities. I got dibs on summer and fall to be outside!!!!

My classmate was one of the four found in Anchorage

Our community was saddened in hearing that Simeon Boots, known to us as Gunnazaq, was found in Anchorage. His dad lives at his campsite at Takliq year round, and brother down lower-48. It is unknown as to how he died. Most of my memories of him are during school hours. I take comfort in that our other classmate Nick Pitka Jr, or Saloony as we called him would meet him on the other side along with his mother, grandfather and other family members. I just hope the water level does not cover our airstrip as we are in danger of having it under the flood area. As it is, the river is surrounding it - the passengers were met by a CAT to take them to the dry areas of the village.

I just had to share this with you guys

When Nicholas and I were heading to Anchorage the roads were not repaired from the runoff of the spring thawing of the snow so we had to find our own way down to the airstrip instead of the agent picking us up with his truck. I asked my sister-in-law Beck and as we were riding down she asked if I had a cell phone. I don't, so she offered hers and I accepted. Trouble was I was unfamiliar with the type she had and could not find her number. I called my girls and informed them that I had their auntie Beck's phone, but they had to call her for the number and did not expect a phone call from anyone. The next afternoon I received a call but pressed the wrong button in my haste to answer the phone and missed the call. I was tired and did not recognize the number on the received calls so I called the number to notify them that if they were calling for Becky she was at home. I did not recognize the person on the other line, and was not expecting anyone to call me yet so my explanation was kinda rushed into their ear rather abruptly practically as soon as they said, "hello." There was silence for a couple seconds then that someone asked, "are you a single lady?" I was shocked and alarmed, because I did not know who this man was and blurted, "NO!" and hung up the phone. The phone rang again, I did not answer.

I was still not familiar with the phone's dynamics but I was able to answer other calls and replied to two text messages after Nicholas and I returned to the Quyana quarters. In total I got five different people calling to reassure me that the mystery man was my younger brother Steven, along with two different people texting me the same information. When I treated him like a stranger when he answered cell (sort of newly acquired-and yes, I did recognize it when I finally got settled safely in my room,) he decided to see if I would recognize his voice, which obviously I did not. I got so much mixed emotions from relief to only God knows what else. There was no one else besides Nicholas there but I felt so embarrassed! I had a good laugh over it later, after I quit being jumil. I still waved my fists at him playfully when I seen him and said, "You were lucky to have been way over here when I found out." This story definitely will be told for years to come. By golly when I finally get me another cell phone his number will be the first one I identify on my contact list! :D

Nicholas' had tubes put in his ears

On the 6th of May Nicholas and I began our journey into Anchorage to put tubes in his ears. At first I was worried about his age and, to be honest a whole lot of other "what if"s. The third attempt at traveling was the charm, so to speak. The first try was stopped by Mt. Redoubt. The second by a high fever and ear infection. The weather was nice and warm down there, warmer than Russian Mission.

Nicholas was a big hit with the people there. Everyone was amazed that he was only 15 months because he looks to be at least a year older. We seen people I have not seen in a long long time which was nice. The last night there we watched a native dance group in the main lobby. I tried taking him for a walk around the hospital to "wear him out" for his nap and ended up the one worn out.

By the third night I was feeling a bit lonesome for my family and so was Nicholas by the uninterested manner in which he approached our activities. It was good to come home but the travel took its toll on my energy level. At home earlier today my cousin Irene and niece Tanya and six other seniors had their graduation ceremony. Tonight the prom. lol I ended up babysitting but it is one thing I hope never to tire from, kids are kids for such a short time.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Steven and Katie Nick

My Brother Steven and Katie Lease got married on April 26th. It was a very beautiful ceremony. My family from Bethel and her mother and sister-in-law came to attend this happy event. It was a bit challenging with the snow melting so quickly. My sister Olga was on-call the night we were decorating the cake. My nieces and cousins helped decorate the cakes. Thank goodness it was not as elaborate as my cousin John's cake! Afterwards Steven and the Russian Mission band played and my dad even went up and joined them in song. Fun times. I personally did not see that. I was worn out from all the celebrations. Nicholas is getting heavy! Katie's daughter Reanna whispered to me during the ceremony, "Now Ruby is my sister, I have two sisters now," speaking of Ruby, Steven's daughter who is adopted by my sister Olga and Katrice, Reanna's younger sister. She calls Steven dad, which warms my heart. Love is truly one of life's greatest blessings!

Arctic Care Arrives at Russian Mission

On a warm afternoon of March 10th as I was getting Nicholas ready for our walk to the clinic I heard something very unusual, the sound of choppers. Puzzled I looked outside my living room window to see two military helicopters circling the village. Not knowing what was going on I called Jim. "It is the Arctic Care," he replied. As we talked I noticed something very alarming. One of the helicopters was descending right between the clinic and post office! "Oh My God! What are they doing!" Images of broken power lines tangling the people inside filled my mind such that I could not talk for a few seconds. I could not understand why they would land there when we have a big airfield with plenty of room on the apron. I watched as the second helicopter tried to find a landing spot within the village, hovering over various places before returning back to the area of the first helicopter. The one that landed eventually took off and they parked on the apron of the airport. What an adventurous and unexpected entrance! This is one day I will not soon forget. Later when talking to my daughters and niece about our exciting afternoon I heard that there were some other more dramatic conclusions to seeing the copters hover over the village. Apparently one of the young girls on the road next to my grandpa's house where they were exclaimed, "They are going to kill us! Its the end of the world!" These do make very good conversations. There is now personnel here to help see to the health of our people until the 18th, a dentist, a physical therapist, an optometrist, an audiologist, and two main doctors. We are blessed.

Daylight Savings Time, and updates of the family

I don't know if it's because of the increase in the amount of times I actually look at the time lately or just the usual trouble adjusting to the new time whenever I deal with daylight savings time but I am TIRED today yet I cannot sleep...maybe I am just too tired. The spring cleaning bug has bitten earlier than usual and I have spent most of today going through boxes of clothes I had hidden away, sorting out the ones to give away, refolding ones that Nicholas grabbed and threw on the floor, over and over again. He has become a human version of Curious George. So far he has ransacked my kitchen, dug in the trash, emptied a number of drawers in the bedroom to the point where I actually told him, "Nicholas - you have a whole year before you become a terrible two! There is no skipping!" This weather does not help much with all the snow and wind...but at least we got a break yesterday and most of today.

Yesterda my daughter came back from St. Marys where the regional tournament was held. Her team came in third, the boys second and she won first place in the free throw contest. Her sister asked what she got for it, she replied "just a piece of paper" referring to the certificate. Silly kid. I am very proud of her. The team actually traveled in the freezing rain, then literally pouring rain in order to make it to the tournament because the planes could not pick them up. Talk about dedication! They survived without getting sick so that is a great thing. Part of me admired their dedication, the mother in me thought they were nuts to even think of traveling. Like I was at that age, Felicia loves to travel. Here is to ongoing athletic efforts of our youth!

Amateur Cake Decorators

In the tiny villages of rural Alaska there are usually no cake shops where one can order a special cake so sometimes those of us who do not normally design and decorate wedding cakes find ourselves stacking tiers and placing stairs and flowers... My cousin John Askoak got married last weekend to his long time girlfriend Darlene "Tassie" Nickoli. She asked me if I could make her cake. I replied that only if my sister Olga was willing to help decorate. Olga is a health aide here and she was on call - thank goodness no one called her. She left my house at 5:30 A.M. Sunday morning, we were almost done. The parents of the bride helped bring the cake to the gym, and my sister and I finished up the cake with time to sit and anxiously await the happy crowd. One of the people asked me how much cake mixes we used, and another asked other questions - my response to all was "I have no idea, I lost count. I am just so glad it turned out okay!" After I recover from this case of flu I have a few people asking about taxes...such is life in rural Alaska.

Sad start of 2009

During the end of 2008 and start of 2009 the villagers of Russian Mission knew that two of our elders were not well, but still their passing was a bit of a shock to me. Our Christmas "Slavic" celebration was in progress when on January 10th Norman Housler Sr. passed away. A great example of Christian piety and faith, a gentle man who did so much for our village during his years, greatly loved by many. We will miss him greatly. The day after his funeral we lost Sarah Askoak, a former chior leader and member of the sisterhood of the church. Norman was my mother's uncle, Sarah her aunt. To make matters worse some younger villagers spent the time during our holiday drinking. Hopefully our situations here will improve.
During this time of saddness I forgot my registration. Hopefully I will be able to do something later on to get back on track with my educational goals. Until then I have my children, my grandchild and my grandparents to think of... Keep me and my little village in your prayers and I pray that your 2009, your family friends and communities are safe, healthy and all things positive.